I feel like I am a failure everyday, I know how much it hurts.

But I make it extra hard on myself because I went to a prestigious high school, a prestigious university, was in a Ph.D. program for 2 years. Then I left for financial reasons, mental instability from two miscarriages, and I was suddenly out of research assistantship because my mentor left the university and took her 5 year research project with her.

Now the majority of my Facebook friends are physicians, psychiatrists, surgeons, scientists, professors, nurses, psychologists (I was in a school psychology Ph.D program), lawyers, in high levels of business, etc. I'm not saying it's not nice to go to a high school hallmate for a recommendation for a psychiatrist at Duke or talk to my senior year prom date about the psychotropic genetic testing I had done....but boy, does it make me feel inadequate. Even people I worked with over 13 years of doing various forms of developmental testing for young kids with suspected disabilities are going through the same stressors I went through as most state employees, overworked and underpaid, yet they still manage to have jobs.

I make it SO much harder on myself because I compare myself to other people, when other people don't suffer from the level of bipolar I do, if bipolar at all. If you are going through that, PLEASE do not compare yourself to others, it is not fair to you, though I wish I could take my own advice!

I haven't worked since my second hospitalization in April 2016 and officially went on long term disability through my state government employment in December 2016. I have to apply for social security disability to remain on state employment disability, so I'm in the process of doing that.

I'm "kinda" working now, trying to get a travel agency business off the ground for my husband and I, after he got phased out of his job. So now we only survive off of my disability. The problem is because I am the "planner" and he is the "doer", my job has been to get our business off the ground through setting up our host agency, business license, developing websites, developing marketing strategies, managing social media pages and a blog. It does sound like a lot of work, because it is! Way too much work. I was able to ride a manic high for a couple of months to come up with brilliant ideas for the business, when I didn't get a lot of sleep. But about a month ago I crashed, hard, into a major depressive episode and I have been useless with our business, I can't focus or have the motivation to get any real work done.

The problem is that if I can't get it together to finish developing our foundation and marketing (mind you neither one of us had experience in this so we've spent a lot of time doing marketing training) my husband will NEVER get to handle all the clients if no one knows who we are and won't find us! That is all on me, it causes me more stress, and makes me realized I've been useless at that too. I do think I can do "some" work with our business, but this has been a terrible experience because it is yet one more limitation I have, I can't even develop a home-based business, from the comfort of a couch in my living room, without having serious limitations. Adds to more depression. Fortunately he is working on getting online training for another job path, that can still help our business, but I know he is doing that because of what I may or may not be able to get done, and that makes me feel guilty.

The point is, you are NOT a failure. You have a lot going on, and it's not fair to call yourself a failure. When I call myself a failure, my husband tells me I am not, I have just not accepted that my bipolar disorder puts limitations on what I do. Maybe if I can get stable (I haven't been stable in almost 3 years) I will have less limitations, but the severity of my disorder means I will likely always have some small limitations. And that is hard to accept, but I know my husband is right. He understands my illness better than I do.

I have 2 kids, you have 2 kids - you are functioning. I may not be able to do as much for them as I like (again, I have too high of expectations for myself) but I am still their mom. I still get the bowls out of the cabinet for their cereal in the morning - sometimes I cook, but that is rare, and that's okay. I pick them up from school, take them to activities, ask them about school and their activities, kiss and hug them before they go to bed at night. Most days that's all I can do. But I can do it, so I am NOT a failure. And there are small things you do everyday, that you may not realize (maybe getting up and putting on clothes instead of pajamas, making your own meal) that do not make you a failure. I spend too much time defining whether I am a failure based on comparing myself to the education and employment of others and that's not fair. You were able to get online and reach out to others - just that makes you not a failure, because so many people can't even do that.

There is a quote by Carrie Fisher I used to have on the wall in our old place that I need to put up here, my favorite bipolar quote of all: "At times being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you are living with this illness and functioning at all, it is something to be proud of, not ashamed of". I cry every time I read that, especially now she is gone, because I am ashamed of myself for not accomplishing what I feel is a simple task: working. But I have to stop doing that. I need to celebrate my functioning and not feel shame for my difficulties.

Sorry this is SO LONG, but I literally feel like this every single day since I was stopped officially working after my hospitalization April 2016. I understand this so much and it plagues me everyday. But I also know I need to stop being so hard on myself and I hope you can too. Many hugs to you.