I go through phrases of accepting my life on disability, and showing anger that it seems to never end. I've been on SSDI for about 8 years now. Prior to that I was on STD and then LTD for much of 4 years, with only brief attempts to return to my old job on a part-time basis and then once for a little while full-time. It became clear that I would continue to have mood episodes that prevented me from being successful at a job. That's why I applied for SSDI.

During these past 8 years I've tried volunteering, but it would end because of a mood episode. For a little while I took one online college course at a time (failed at in-person courses) and succeeded, but then I was unable to take more. I've wanted to accumulate enough stable time to try volunteering again, but haven't yet managed. My husband, pdoc and tdoc want me to try the volunteering, because starting first with work is risky. If I were to lose my SSDI and then become unable to work again it could be devastating to my husband's and my life. I feel trapped on disability by my illness and also because of people's fear and lack of confidence in my ability to make a go of things again. I have that fear and lack of confidence, too at times.

I do try at times to tell myself that I will work again, but I do grieve what I "could have had" if my illness never got so bad 12 years ago. When I get angry I yell in my pdoc's office that I would surely have been "Director of Communications" or higher at this time. I bring up how my boss (the President & CEO of my old company) told my husband that they "had big plans for me", and that all I had to do was get well and they looked forward to seeing me back.

A couple of years back I became manic and decided I was going to reapply for a job at my old company. Well, when manic, your correspondence doesn't always lure them to bring you back, because you clearly come off as still being quite sick. Bridges get burned again and again. I start to wonder how I will ever manage to find a place that would hire me with my track record. People I thought would be good references are no longer options.

I believe when and if the time comes that I work again, it's got to be a different kind of job, and one that offers a lot of flexibility, tolerance, and accommodations. That may sound pessimistic, but I've grown pessimistic.