It's my fault. We got into arguments often. Usually because of me. At first, we argued because I felt he didn't prioritize me as important in his life, and didn't spend sufficient time with me. But then I realized that it wasn't because he wasn't spending enough time with me - normal people don't spend a lot of time together even if they love each other - it was because I felt constantly empty and lonely, not because of him. He felt it was his responsibility to help me - I thought he could (I only learnt much later that it's not his responsibility and that there was nothing he could do). When I realized it wasn't the amount of time we spent together I stopped asking him for as much time as I did. Towards the end, I stopped asking for time all together and started to just take whatever he gave me - except if it had really been a week since we last did something and I really wanted to do something with him. But by the time I started to change my understanding and behaviour he already felt like he was a disappointment to me and like every interaction with me would lead to conflict. He was already scared of me even after I asked him so many times not to be. He was never a disappointment to me and I never meant to hurt him, why the **** would I knowing ****ing well that it would lead to him leaving?

I accused him of cheating two times, and I still don't know if he did or did not. There's no possible way of knowing whether a person is cheating on you or not. But I should have just left it in case he wasn't. It would have been less conflict and he would have felt less attacked. But given how avoidant he had already become I thought he was at high risk of cheating.

Around the middle of our relationship I went to a mental clinic because my episodes were getting worse, they couldn't treat me for my BPD there but they had seminars on conflict- and anger management, building healthy relationships, compromise and being assertive (as opposed to being passive, passive-aggressive or aggressive). All of which I then started trying to apply to our relationship.

He has general and social anxiety, so because of the constant conflict, he started associating me with conflict and avoiding me, even when I was trying to remain as neutral but still assertive as possible. Him avoiding me and being scared of me made me sad and angry (frustrated) so in turn, it may have caused more conflict - or at the very least high tension. I didn't bring cheating up anymore and I didn't bring spending time with me up anymore except when I asked him "could we hang out?" or "would you like to hang out?". The answer became "No, I want to be alone" more and more often, but the truth was not that he wanted to be alone it was that he didn't want to be with me (because he was scared of a fight occurring). But whenever I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and loved me, he would say "yes" - even though I HEAVILY STRESSED bluntness and honesty since day one of the relationship. And I asked him these questions regularly so he had plenty of opportunities to tell the truth - and even now I feel so angry about it because if he just grew a ****ing pair and said early on "No I don't love you" and "No, I don't want this". Then ALL of this **** and all the worthless effort I put in and the useless attachment I grew to him could have been ****ing spared! He's the one who asked me to commit, if I just kept my distance and didn't commit this would NEVER have happened!

Towards the end of the relationship, I avoided confronting him about everything for fear that it would tip him over the edge, except that it seemed like he stopped respecting me (which is understandable given all the arguments) and I was not going to just let him do that. We would make an appointment to hangout or we would be in a serious conversation and he would just flake on me, usually, without saying anything - he would just vanish. Or we would have made an appointment to hangout DAYS prior to it actually happening and he would just book something else over it - even though I especially set time aside for it and was looking forward to it all week (that's what I mean by he wasn't respecting me or my time). And I tried to be calm about this and confront him in an assertive but non-aggressive way but he just kept doing it (probably out of fear) and it really made me angry because I made an effort to be nice and calm about this and he just ignores my request over and over. I know it was because he was scared but at the very least, he could have said "I'm not coping well right now so I'm not going to show up." or "I'm not coping well right now so I'm not going to continue this conversation". And sometimes he did, but most times he just vanished. And he was always coping well enough to go make appointments with other people over the appointments he had made with me. He was always coping well enough to do literally ANYTHING else but spend time with me. And I KNOW that's because he was scared of me but I was trying to make it better and I CAN'T DO THAT ALONE! He has to try to and should have been honest if he didn't want to try!

So, if he was so horrible why did I want to be with him? Because he wasn't horrible, he was awesome - before he got scared and even a little while during he was the best friend I ever had - I made him horrible because I made him scared of me and I can't fix it. Nothing I tried, nothing I did fixed it. It was doomed the second he became scared of me - and there's nothing I could have done or can do now to fix it. And I can't deal with that because he was my best friend and I loved him so much. I'm sorry fixes ****ing nothing. But I'm so sorry and if there any way to fix it I would do it. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He was so kind to me and I ruined it. I want to go back.