Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Right now your fear of abandonment is going into overdrive. Understandable. The person you loved most left you. Don't let it consume you though. Realize - you are in control of you and always have been. He left you - that was his choice, his control of his life. Now it's your time to make your choice for your life. Where will you go from here? What do you want to do? What kind of goals do you have for yourself or what kind of goals can you make for yourself? What steps can you take to make those goals work?
Now - it sounds like you did as most of us do in a relationship - and attached yourself to him. Made him "everything". He was your friend. Your family. Your lover. Your authoritarian at times (though you likely never saw it that way). He was everything all in one. It sounds awesome n is really attractive at first - but also becomes tiring to the other person. Can you imagine trying to fill that many roles in one person's life?
Next time you get in a relationship - try to only give them one role - that of your partner. You will want another relationship the very next time someone looks your way, but I respectfully implore you to wait - and focus on yourself. Learn to be self-reliant and self-empowered. Learn you are on control of you and that you don't need to impress anyone to gain respect or love - but rather just be yourself, bc we all deserve those things. That is what self respect and self love are about. Once you have those things - then get in another relationship if you want - but don't give up yourself or apologize for being yourself to do it. If you do that - then you should be able to keep defined boundaries and thus a healthy relationship.
I wish you well. ❤
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"Where will you go from here?" - I was supposed to join a 10-week DBT program in the city and then return to varsity. I'll still do that because plans have already been made and I'm getting old to waste more time trying to figure life out.
"What do you want to do?" - I want to go back in time and approach things differently with the knowledge I have now. But, obviously, I can't - beyond that; at this moment in time; I don't want anything.
"What kind of goals do you have for yourself or what kind of goals can you make for yourself?" - Find motivation. Try my best in the DBT program. Try not to fall-apart again next year while living alone in the city again. Find a job and actually keep it. Do well at varsity. Make authentic friends that form a support system.
"What steps can you take to make those goals work?" - Sleep and be depressed now, in the hopes that it will be sufficient mourning to move on to a functional state soon. Try to be positive when interacting with people and try to think positive about the future. Make authentic friends. Find motivation so I can work on my skills, so I can be good at whatever I do.
"Now - it sounds like you did as most of us do in a relationship - and attached yourself to him. Made him "everything". He was your friend. Your family. Your lover. Your authoritarian at times (though you likely never saw it that way). He was everything all in one. It sounds awesome n is really attractive at first - but also becomes tiring to the other person. Can you imagine trying to fill those many roles in one person's life?" - My previous psychologist told me that, so, I told him that none of these roles are his responsibility. He just naturally filled them, just by being himself, which should be fine, right? I told him that he doesn't have any responsibility to me other than respecting me (I started telling him this mid-way through the relationship, when I learnt it). He wasn't responsible for making me happy because it is not possible for one person to make another happy (I told him that), he was not responsible for "saving" me because it is also impossible and creates a victim mindset (I told him that). I told him, he was responsible for supporting me when I had a hard time, which I explained to him didn't mean making it better or saving me but rather just being there and listening, offering empathy where it is possible. I also told him, he was also responsible for respecting my time which meant making the appointments we set and letting me know, enough time in advance, if he cannot make them, and not just shirking them when he felt like it. And obviously, it was his responsibility to be generally respectful towards me: which I told him was to be straight honest to me concerning everything (no lies, no secrets). Those three things were what I felt and told him he was responsible for in our inter-personal relationship.