Oof, that was an intense session. R text me ten minutes before to let me know she was running a few minutes late. She’d scarcely come in and sat down before I said:
‘It’s been quite a week. I have a new standard for 9 out of 10.’
‘Can you help me understand what you mean?’
‘In terms of intensity…Sunday night into Monday morning was hard.’
‘I’m sensing a different kind of hard than usual?’
‘I cried for an hour….intermittently, but…’

‘You cried for an hour? I sensed that it was going to be something big you were going to tell me, but I’m shocked. It sounds like you weren’t trying to hold it together. What you describe there sounds like an undoing of old patterns.’

‘The barriers I’ve built up are…’
‘The barriers I’ve built up are…’
‘Stay with it…’
‘The barriers I’ve built up are…safe. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t try to hold it together. The crying happened, and the full body bristling was there, as I mentioned…but I wasn’t expecting it to be so painful…physically painful.’
‘I get the sense that it wasn’t what you expected. You expected to release some of it, and it would all be better?’

‘Since that happened on Sunday night, it’s been the same as it ever was…but the sadness is accompanied by anger…I didn’t need to know this.’
‘This didn’t happen to me.’

‘It didn’t happen to you? What do you mean?’
‘It didn’t happen first hand…something happened to me as a result of this, but the events that I was subjected to didn’t happen to me. I processed the other events, but I don’t know why January 2011 sticks in my head. It should be processed by now.’
‘Should be?’

‘I don’t know why it keeps coming back.’
‘I’m not going to lie…it’s sort of become significant to me. But I remember when we were talking about September 2007, and I had that in my diary for months. Now you haven’t mentioned it in a while.’

The rest gets slightly hazy, but there was one thing today…
‘I think you’re so brave. It’s nothing to do with what you’ve been through, but how you are challenging yourself to face these things and break old patterns.’
I couldn’t actually respond.
‘Are you OK? I’m wondering what’s going on for you right now. I have to admit, part of me is wondering ‘Did I say something bad?’’
‘No, you didn’t say anything bad. I had a three-fold response to your use of the word ‘brave’. First I wanted to laugh, then I wanted to cry, and then I wanted to reply, but couldn’t…’

I continued...‘Bravery to me is linked to courage and vulnerability. I’ve experienced the vulnerability, but haven’t yet been brave enough to talk about it....Grateful.'
'You're welcome.'
R then gave me a ten minute warning, and said she didn’t want to stop me abruptly.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m relieved we were able to meet today.’
‘Were you worried about the road closure?’
‘Yes, and with what had happened on Sunday night into Monday morning…I haven’t come up with a shorthand for that yet…’
‘You were anxious to share that with me.’
‘From my perspective, that was intense.’
‘Shall I give you mine?’
‘OK.’
‘I’ve just noticed that I’ve been sitting here the entire session like this [leaning forward, hands on her knees]. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always interested in what you have to say, but today I’ve been right here. It’s felt different to me…not in a good way or a bad way, but it’s been a different kind of session.’