Part of my plan to lighten the load on myself was to go online to hire another caregiver. I placed an add online. I got some applicants, but I'm scared they might be scammers. I don't have the Internet skills to understand how to navigate my way around on web sites used to recruit caregivers. So now I'm a complete nervous wreck.

I am so beset with anxiety and depression, I feel like I'm cracking up.

I have to go back to bed now. I've been taking extra doses of my antidepressant and of my pain pills. My pain pills are hydrocodone. Yes, I do know that taking pain pills for anxiety is considered a misuse of medication. But I'm absolutely desperate to calm down.

Last night I drank 3 glasses of wine, which I'm not used to. It caused me to wake up feeling awful sick to my stomach. He did snap at me again last evening. He used the "f word" when arguing with me in front of his home attendant. I was telling him that he can't just eat sweets whenever he is hungry. "What the "f" am I supposed to eat?" he hollared. He wasn't cursing me, but just getting mad. I told him I can't take this tension anymore. Later he apologized profusely. He kissed my hand.

I thought I had gotten the attendant to understand that it's not okay to serve him ice cream for lunch. I don't seem to have the leadership ability to get caregivers to perform properly. I understand the caregiver can't be expected to argue with him.

I feel like I do need an emergency break from what I'm doing. But even arranging that would be a lot of work for me that I don't have the energy to do right now.

Maybe I should just not worry what he eats. The attendant was here for 11 hours yesterday, while I tried to catch up on errands I needed to do to manage my own affairs. But when I returned last evening, I had to start cooking for him because he hadn't had a decent meal all day. He and the attendant enable each other. He knows she hates to cook.

He was up at 5 a.m. this morning. Hearing him woke me up. I needed more sleep, but felt too sick and nervous to go back to sleep. Now I'm sleepy. Back to bed.