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Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName
- except if it had really been a week since we last did something and I really wanted to do something with him.
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I would say that a week without doing something is definitely a lot of time to not see each other. I don't know how long you two were together or how serious of a relationship it was. I see my SO everyday, but we live together. So if you hadn't moved in together yes I understand not seeing each other /every/ day but a week going by? I think that's a lot of time.
From the sound of it, the issues in the relationship, and the relationship ending, were
not only your fault, it was his, too.
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I never meant to hurt him, why the **** would I knowing ****ing well that it would lead to him leaving?
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There was a part of you that was making the *choice* to ask him those questions. It sounds like you were seeking reassurance; there was a part of you that was in control, even if it was very hard for you to notice that when swept up in an intense emotion. I believe it is important for people with BPD to accept personal responsibility. When we say, "I didn't do it on purpose" or "it was like I couldn't help it" etc., we are giving more power to the emotions that seem to drive us to behave a certain way. The fact is that we do have a choice. Of course you didn't want to hurt him. Of course you didn't want him to leave. But a part of you, perhaps the part that fears abandonment, and believes people will leave you, the part that is so insecure and maybe has trouble with feeling secure and trusting in a relationship, created a self fulfilling prophecy where you subconsciously tried to destruct the relationship despite your love for him and deep want to maintain the relationship.
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I accused him of cheating two times, and I still don't know if he did or did not. There's no possible way of knowing whether a person is cheating on you or not. But I should have just left it in case he wasn't. It would have been less conflict and he would have felt less attacked. But given how avoidant he had already become I thought he was at high risk of cheating.
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It sounds like he got tired and did not want the relationship anymore.
It is possible that he loves you but that love was not enough for him in this case. Sometimes this happens. It is possible that he was avoiding fights and felt like he was walking on eggshells to avoid one from erupting.
Are you currently seeing a therapist or are you able to go see one? This is a very difficult thing to go through but with time it will hurt less. It is important that you grieve the relationship and try to move forward, as hard as that is right now.