For those of you who went to IP voluntarily, how did that work? Both of the times I went to IP it was involuntary, because I was a danger to myself. I hated it there though. I could not sleep, just wandered the halls and sat in the lounge all night, then had no energy in the morning. It was always a race to see the psychiatrist everyday, who just threw a ton of drugs at you until you were stable, but two weeks after being discharged I was worse off than when I went in. The groups were useless, so many restrictions even on when we could watch TV. You didn't get any individual therapy other than the social worker talking to you when you arrived and right before you left. It was absolutely miserable.

I don't want to go back there, I never want to go back there. I don't even tell my pdoc and therapist the extent of my thoughts because I don't want to go back there. Fortunately all I've gotten have been numbers to the suicide hotline. Which I never use. Whew.

I have an appointment with a real psychiatrist at Duke December 18, but I do not know if I can make it that long. I cannot take the severe depression, the severe mood swings. I probably sounded normal at some point on these boards yesterday, but at another point I was near catatonic, rocking back and forth, crying, feeling I was hearing voices in my head calling me names (although these could have just be negative thoughts, who knows). I take this damned Risperdal, which yes, does make me sleep, like I'm comatose, so I only take it every other day. But getting a good night's sleep does not always make me feel better. Some days I feel "normal" when I wake up (but I have come to realize my "normal" baseline is really hypomania) and some days I wake up so depressed I wish I hadn't woken up. I don't want to hurt my family, but if I stay I'm a burden, if I leave i'm selfish, and if I'm hospitalized I'm an inconvenience. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

For those who voluntarily went to IP: did you have to go to the hospital closest to you? Will they deny you inpatient if they feel you are not severe enough? I am at the desperation point where I might consider voluntary IP, but other than going to an ER in another city, I'm not sure how to do this, because I absolutely cannot go back to the one in this city. Can I just call the hospital up and ask for a psych assessment? I have regular health insurance through my former job, and I was told by somebody that most places will accept you as voluntary if you have insurance (not fair, but just considering my options).

I have been so against doctors in psych hospitals just throwing whatever drug at you and hope it sticks, but I don't think I can handle this conservative, "we'll increase it by 1 mg until I see you next month" approach right now either. I wish I knew what to do. . I thought waiting until December 18 was my only option, but he isn't going to wave a magic wand and change me overnight.

Thanks for your input.