Hi Folks,

Well, I've been feeling a lot better. After 7years of hard times, following the deaths of my parents, I have been recovering for six months, which is beginning to feel permanent.

There have been a few false dawns, but this time the improvement has been slow and steady. My intrusive thought patterns (about my nightmare birth family) have reduced to almost zero, triggers are likewise almost zero and I have just had a good Xmas with my wife, daughter and her boyfriend which was easygoing and relaxed.

I don't feel depressed, and haven't for a long time, and the anxiety is a low as I can remember. I get the occasional jag of anxiety but I can go through it and it doesn't stop me doing anything I want to. I'm eating OK and (amazingly) I have cut the alcohol right down without any problems.

Six months ago we moved to a new town, not so far away from the old one, and I've made new friends and joined a couple of groups, which means that I've challenged and beaten the social anxiety as well. I'm being careful to befriend people who seem calm in themselves, as one of my past problems has been making myself into a self appointed counsellor, and I'd like to move past that.

I visited one old friend just before Xmas, and I recognised that she was trying to make me feel bad just like her, a bit of co-dependecy I think. I heard myself saying, "I'm sorry that you've still got a problem with that." instead of "what will we do about that?" What a good feeling - I could sympathise but didn't have to take it on board. I had found some assertiveness. I also had a challenging moment at a poetry gig, which I dealt with (mentioned on a thread here). I held my ground in a difficult spot.

My wife said something to me a while ago. She said, "when did it end?". That was a validation for me. She had noticed the change, probably even before I had.

Anyway, we all know that we can fall back again, but in this case I feel that a pattern has been broken, and maybe time has done it's work. The reason I thought to write this today, was that last night I had a dream about my father, clear as day, feeling all the pain. When I woke, I thought "Yes, that's how it was." and I was thinking in the past tense.

I kind of feel like a new person these days, and I'm looking at the world and thinking, what shall I do now? New friends are coming easily, so I must be giving out some signals.

Last thing - This board has been very good for me. There are some inspiring people here, facing all sorts of tough challenges with courage.

Good thoughts to you all, Myzen