Okay, so this is a bit of a long one. For the past few years I have been scared of many things related to doctors, to the point of panic attacks and I don’t know what to do.

Ever since I was little, I have always hated needles. No reason, I just could not stand them. This escalated when I was 9. When I was 9 years old, I stabbed my hand with a screwdriver in art class. That is when needles turned into some what (this is a self diagnosis) of a phobia.

So I go for a few years, with barely having any doctor appointments, then one day it is time to get some shots. The whole phsyical goes fine then it is time for the vacations. I was told about it, they hand my mom a little pamphlet and go to get the needles. I ask my mom if I can see the pamphlet and she hands it to me. Half way through, Dr. Webber comes back in.

I just wanted a minute of quiet to calm down but that request wasn’t heard. 5 mins of my mom being upset with me, 5 minutes of bribery (which just made me feel worse, as I felt it was expected of me to do this) later and they had enough. Dr. Webber asks my mother if she would like him to get someone to hold me down and she agrees. At this point, in the back of my mind I knew what was going to happen, reality just didn’t set in until about an hour after it happened. I had been held down and given 3 shots.

That was the first time doctors have shown me exactly how little they care about your emotions as a minor and it is the reason why I hate being a teen: when it comes down to it, you might be reasonable enough to say “wait, just give me a minute.” But no one will care.

While I have never been held down again, there have been multiple threats to do that. Each time, I asked for just a minute to get out of “Panic Attack mode” and each time the request was denied. Ever since those threats, I have tried to avoid doctors as much as possible.

I still sometimes have nightmares about going to get my wisdom teeth out, having a panic attack, and being restrained and sedated. Or the same situation but instead I broke my leg then freaked out and was restrained and sedated. I still have these nightmares but thankfully no where near as often as I used to.

The idea of a sedative being inside a needle or IV took what was already bordering a phobia, if not one already, and made to SO much bigger.

This caused me to start working out and made me want to learn how to defend myself.

To this day, my pediatrician office still wants to do a blood test on me. But if they ever try to get my blood without me wanting to give it, I will NOT be the one walking away traumatized for the rest of my life.

I don’t like living in fear of these people and never wanted this in the first place. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, just save myself from something much worse. I know I can’t change the world, so doctors will still be doctors and not care, but I don’t even know how to change myself.

Anything is greatly appreciated, sincerely, Jason Frederick.