He has a home attendant who comes for 8 hours 3 times a week. So I do have those blocks of time to get away. But that's not enough time to truly get away. I never sleep in my own apartment anymore. I run home for a few hours at a time. Yesterday we went to the emergency room because he had symptoms of a mild stroke. But the symptoms went away and he was okay. I ask myself if he will go on like this for another year, or two or three?

If only nursing homes were better places. I think they're awful. So I keep him at home. I go up and down, moodwise, like a yo-yo. Sometimes I feel fine. It's a cycle. Sometimes I wish we both were out of this life. No intention . . . just a wish to be released from this trap of circumstances.