Thanks for the different suggestions and efforts to be supportive. I tried to post yesterday, but my post began to turn into a novel as I began to feel like I was asking a question and not giving enough history. But, it's not necessarily a bad thing that I spent so much time on that post because in my own review while doing that I saw some things important for ME to see.

My sister has been a huge challenge to me in that there were things about her that maybe I was unknowingly in denial about. I WANTED to love her and be close with her and have a sense of "safety" with her. Because I wanted that I did not see some of the red flags where the way she felt about me was "different". I did not see the flaws in her that others saw where they felt uncomfortable around her. My mom would say to me "she is jealous of you" and "jealous of how close my mom and I were". I did not see it, probably because recognizing that would not fit in with the way I wanted to see her where I put her in a place where I loved her and trusted her.

I have tried to do this. But it got to the point where her behaviors began to traumatize me. For a while just hearing her voice would severely trigger me and I began having flashbacks. It actually took me a few years to figure out how she was the source of the triggers that would bring on these flashbacks.

The other day my older brother sent me videos of his grandson and grand daughter. His grandson is just a year old and just at the stage of learning to walk and take a few steps. The older one is a girl who is about 2 1/2 or close to three. In watching that video the mother would encourage this little boy to take steps towards her and when he took a few steps you can hear the mother with a high pitched voice praising him. What I could also see is the older daughter watching and every now and then she would run to the mother hoping to get some praise and in the video the mother never once acknowledged her with praise. What was interesting about that video is that the camera is focused on the two children so you don't get to see the mother but just get to focus on the two children. The baby boy was a happy little one and cute and not in any way in any position to have an awareness of how his getting that attention was actually taking away from his older sister getting that praise and attention.

My mom would always talk about how cute I was, that I was so sweet and friendly with personality and so outgoing and she looks at me so lovingly. She said to me, "your sister was not like that and always jealous of you for that".

What I have come to realize about my sister who is four years older than me is that her jealousy is simply because I existed, and she she ALWAYS hated my brother. In fact she used to threaten me that if I was nice to him and played with him that she would be angry and mean to me and not play with me. While I did not see this, I did feel it and I just did not understand what it was and went on just wanting to see her in a loving trusting way.

What I have slowly been realizing is that when we put someone in a mental place in our mind, when we put them in a place of love and trust and that person feels different and isn't what you believed in your mind, it can be TRAUMATIC when that person begins to act towards you in a very negative toxic way.

I have written about my sister several times since I joined and recently someone said to me in a thread, "you have talked about this before and if you look at your past posts you will see it". I repeated things I was experiencing so much because I was struggling on a very deep level when it came to her toxic behaviors that did not fit with the way I had placed her in my mind. So basically, it was a form of confusion and disbelief.

Over the years my sister always had the holidays at her home, Martha Stewart style. I liked how she decorated her home and always did a good job. What I did not see about that is how she was constantly pulling both my parents towards her in an OWNERSHIP way. Yet, on a subconscious level "I felt it". Does that make sense? I really struggled with that one myself for a really LONG TIME.

This is a very hard time of year for me. This is the anniversary of when I got so overwhelmed by all the damage my neighbor's dog did to all my horses and ponies where my little farm turned into a mini vet hospital where I was addressing so many injuries and sad endings for 4 months until I got so physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted that I had a post traumatic breakdown. The body can only handle being in hypervigilance for so long without any breaks or rest until the person breaks. I did talk about wanting to die because I just got to a point where I could not seem to get up one more day and function, I also had been experiencing night terrors and was not getting any true rest and sleep. I ended up in a psych ward literally BEGGING for rest and grief counseling. Everything I uttered were clear red flags of "trauma patient", but I did NOT get rest and grief counseling. My sister took over too and she never hugged me or sat with me in a caring way. I was abandoned in this lock up place with no rest and sense of safety and I was surrounded by people that actually frightened me too. Actually everything that was done with me was NOT what should be done with a trauma patient. My sister would not even let my parents come visit me and my mother would have NEVER let me be in that place and she would have understood the gravity of all that I had lost and how completely devastated I was. I could not get warm and constantly struggled with the chills. My room was so cold and that made the chills even worse. I was given medication that just made me ill and they got mad at me when I complained and continued to beg for rest, I was SO EXHAUSTED. And my sister came in and basically was mean to me "you better get with the program or you will lose your farm, your family, everything!". That is NOT something you EVER say to a trauma patient. My family was encouraged to stay away too and I was abandoned and treated like I was a bad girl for experiencing a post traumatic breakdown.

I tried to think about sucking it up and visiting my parents at my sister's house. They were SO HAPPY to see me and I had to work VERY HARD at focusing on talking about things with them that would keep me in the now. When I was there having a nice visit my sister paced back and forth and for the very first time in my life I finally saw what it was over my shoulder that was a negative presence that goes all the way back for me. Then she walked into the middle of the conversation and told me that I better leave because my vehicle was not safe where I parked it and her street was going to be closed down. This was a complete LIE, and my parents reacted with "Oh no, please don't take her away". Seeing them so upset I felt compelled to step up and smooth that out and say "Oh that's not happening, I do really have to go anyway". I guess I should have just sat there and stayed quiet and let them get angry at my sister's behavior. Sigh...can't go back and redo that. I really just did not want to see them upset so I basically threw myself under the bus on that one. And as I left my sister was right behind me, again I finally identified something I had not realized that was always there from the beginning only I did not understand it. She followed me to the door and out the door and expressed her displeasure about me just stopping by without an appointment. And I shook my head and said, "this was not some kind of pre-planned visit, I was doing a job very near here". After that I had a lot of flashbacks and struggled for several days. But what I hate more than that is struggling for several nights waking up with the shivers and how I have to do a ritual of using a hair dryer that I keep next to my bed and blowing hot air on myself in and effort to get the shivers to stop.

When you ask me divine, "how come so long" when I talk about the last time I have seen my parents, the reason for that is because of what I end up going through after I do see them. I also end up getting phone calls from my sister that are condescending and negative. She has accused me of saying things I never said, of doing things I never did and it gotten very clear how much she doesn't want me around my parents. If my mother knew how I was being treated that my sister found my mother's private notebook where she recorded things she did for me to help me, which was mostly to get me back on my feet after a major health issues including almost dying, that my sister decided to stand in judgement and be mean to me and shame me for whatever my mother and father did for me that was NEVER any of her business, my mother would be LIVID.

I was visiting my mother one time when she just happened to experience a stroke. It frightened me and I took steps to get her to the ER. My sister came into that ER in a rage at me and BLAMED the stroke on me. She was so mean and loud the entire staff and people in the waiting room were staring. I already was struggling with PTSD, her behavior towards me TRAUMATIZED ME that day.

I am not looking to take my parents away from my sister. I am not really sure WHAT is legally right when it comes to what my sister can and cannot do. However, in a recent conversation she had with my older brother she talked about having my father declared incompetent and asked if he would agree to her taking over complete conservatorship of their money and EVERYTHING. My brother's reply was that he would prefer a third party do that. Then my sister wrote him back telling him my father was fine and was calling all the shots. What that pretty much means is that my sister has decided that she has more control if she goes along with "saying" my father is fine and calling all the shots. This way when her septic tank broke she can say my father gave her money towards fixing it where that would not be allowed if he was deemed incompetent. I did talk to my lawyer and she told me that taking money from them for her own expenses is not allowed.

While writing this I have tried to call my father three times to wish him happy birthday and I only get the answering machine. My sister made a BIG DEAL about if I want to call my parents to do so in the Morning. I plan on calling about every half hour. I MAY not even get to talk to him so in that may not need to even think about what to say when he asks me when he will get to see me.