Hey all. I was wondering if anyone could help me understand some things.

There's a lot about my childhood / adolescence that I don't remember; a lot of it is fuzzy. When I was first going through puberty, probably 12-ish, I became really hypersexual. I also fell victim to sexual abuse. I was a lonely child, curious, looking for some kind of affection or something, I dont know. I found myself going into online chatrooms, and I ended up chatting with someone who convinced me to go on webcam and expose my body, and masturbate. After that happened I was so ashamed, I felt dirty, tainted. But the messed up part is that I think part of me wanted more. I did it again, several times, usually with older men (who should have known better).

This eventually led me to meeting up with older men for sex. I think I was around sixteen. My first sexual experience was with a middle-aged man. The shame kept piling on every time but I kept on doing it.. I dont know why. For the longest time I felt like it was all my fault, and I should just suck it up because I "chose" to do those things. I never was physically forced. However I was still a child - impulsive, not fully developed. I guess I didn't really understand all the consequences and implications of what I was getting into. The adults I encountered should have understood that it was wrong.

I'm trying to fully accept that I was abused, that I was a child, and that it wasn't my fault. However there's still a part of me that thinks that can't be true, because I sought those encounters out. I said yes.
If I had heard that someone else, a child, had been through my experience, I'd never ever blame them. I'd never blame a child or say it was their fault. But I put blame on the child that I used to be.

I also wonder, what kind of child would have done that? What kind of child would have gone into online chatrooms and agreed to going on webcam like that? There's this part of me that tells me I must have been a screwed up kid in the first place, to have gone and done that. What happened to me to make me like that? Why did I do all of this? Was I just a bad kid? I hope the answer is no but I can't seem to convince myself.