Hello bashful: Well... my situation is pretty-much entirely different from yours. However I also don't remember much about my childhood. To a large extent, it is like I was born 8 years old.

I have also done things that haunt me to this day... & I'm going on 70 years old! The difference is I was an adult & should have known better... but I didn't. I have often said that I hope it could be said I was mentally ill all of my life. (I certainly have struggled with a lot of long-standing problems.) Because, if I could not be said to have been mentally ill all of my life, then I just have to accept the fact that I was simply a bad seed.

There is a Buddhist practice referred to as "compassionate abiding" that has been helpful to me. Perhaps you're familiar with it. But in case you're not, here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.