Quote:
Originally Posted by Só leigheas
I lie on almost every occasion. If for some reason I can't, I simply do not speak.
Here, I don't lie. I do hide things I cannot bear to speak of.
I'm not fine. I'm not even close. I was unable to get up today. So, I've had a few drinks and now I can move. I can laugh, engage and pretend I am fine.
I say it to myself over and over, "I am fine." But I'm not. I've thought about dying almost all day. I have thought only of forbidden childhood memories in between. I am not fine.
But here I am. And "I am fine."
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I think when the pain gets bad - everyone lies to those who have no possible way of understanding. Both to avoid confrontation and argument - but also to avoid self-realization of what's going on. If we do not speak it aloud - it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist.
I am glad you at least speak of it here. That gets some of the reality of it through, and allows some of the tension of it out. You are overloaded now though. That's why you are drinking n thinking of death. Is there anyone you feel safe expressing your thoughts and feelings to in your personal life? Having someone there with you can help.