I do not feel my sister is abusing my parents while they are living with her. My sister has people that do come to her home, caregivers that help with my parents. I am not there where I have met these individuals, but I am sure if they saw abuse and neglect they would report it. The one time I did stop by to visit with my parents they were clean and sitting and watching TV and in good spirits. I don't believe my sister would harm my parents intentionally, she is however very controlling. My parents are now at a point where they both struggle to get around, they need to use walkers. My sister's home is set up well where she has a room on her first floor with a 1/2 bath that can be used as their bedroom so they do not have to climb stairs. She has another bathroom on the first floor that has a shower so caregivers can help bath them and they don't have to climb stairs. My sister has a nice house with a nice flow to it where my parents can move around and her home is kept clean and is actually very nice. I do not have a set up at my home where I could provide that for my parents without adding on a first floor bedroom like that and that would cost money.

At this point, I want my parents safe and cared for and I am not looking to take them away from my sister. The hard part is how I am now too uncomfortable about going there to visit them and how my sister behaves towards me that is TOXIC and triggers me so badly. I genuinely FEEL very unwelcome in my sister's home/environment and she does hover and I don't get to be ALONE with my parents. Just calling my parents on the phone is TOXIC where my sister ALWAYS has to say something and is definitely there hovering in an effort to keep the call as short as possible. It's SO OBVIOUS that my sister doesn't want me to spend time with them. When I visited my mother in the rehabilitation facility, I noticed when my sister visited and went when I knew she would not be there. I got to visit with my mother for two hours, just sit with her, hug her, talk and relax together, that is what I REALLY MISS.

All week I stressed about making at that one phone call so I could at least wish my father a happy birthday. I worried about what I would say if he once again asked me when will he get to SEE me. There were times where I told him I was sick when I wasn't, I was avoiding the truth so I did not make waves. But I HATE lying to my parents. I started this thread because I wanted to see if anyone had an idea about what to say that I had not thought of. I don't want them to think that they don't see me because I don't care about them. I love them very much and I genuinely miss them every day.

The last time I saw them both I was visiting my mother in the rehabilitation facility. My mother was having a bad day that day and when I entered her room she was sitting in a wheel chair with a phone in her hand and when she saw me she said, "OH thank you God", because she said she was trying to call me for help. Well, I discovered she had pooped in her pants and was sitting there in it all confused and upset and frightened. The staff came in and helped her on the bed and cleaned her up. She had a broken wrist so that added to her challenge about getting herself to the bathroom with the walker where she needed two hands along with having two hands to get up as she is 93 now and she is weak. The staff cleaned her up, put a johnny on her and got her comfortable in her bed and I talked to her to calm her down and help her feel safe again.
I was sitting there when next thing I knew my sister appeared in the doorway with my father in a wheel chair. My father looked very thin and frail and my sister pushed him up to the side of my mother's bed where he could see her and he said, It's me, your husband, do you remember me? I had never seen a time when my mother did not remember him. Yet that's the hard part because they are both different around me than they are with my sister. I got to give my father a hug, it felt so nice to do that and I suddenly remember that I had his Christmas Present from last Christmas in my car just in case I got to see him. I had already given my mother the Christmas presents I had gotten for her so many month's later on one of my visits, glad I didn't have to stare at them sitting on my living room floor all those months. My sister left saying she had to get something in her car and I thought about the present and told him I had something for him and would be back. I got to the front door of the facility and I had an attack, it was so bad I really thought I was having a massive heart attack. It hit me out of no where and my focus was on getting his present. The doors opened and all I could think of is to get to my car and I better not collapse there because my sister's voice in my head said, "don't want YOUR DRAMA". I focused on getting to my car so I would not be in the way if I was having a heart attack. I sat in my car and my entire body was shaking, shaking really bad. I sat there shaking and I knew there was no way I could go back in that building NO WAY. So I got so I was at least able to start my car and get away and think about where the closest emergency room was. I really should not have been driving in that condition, this was always something I worried about whenever I tried to see my parents ALONE. I was afraid that I might get triggered and have to drive when it was not safe for me to do so. As I was driving away I thought, "who could I call that would have a calm voice and help me with this?". That is when I realized "no one", I did try my husband and all he did is give me an angry voice, and that NEVER helps but instead makes it worse. So I imagined the therapist's voice that had helped me so much, talked me through flashbacks with a kind and calm and understanding voice. He has retired and I miss him terribly, but he did leave me with the ability to remember his kind voice. That's what one kind person, with a kind understanding calm voice can do that can help so much, a voice you can think about at a time when no one is there and you need help. A kind voice that is never condescending, that doesn't talk down to you, but is caring and kind and only wants you to find your way out of experiencing a struggle you don't understand.

It was not my mother or father that triggered me to have that horrible attack, it was SO PAINFUL, the worst yet. It was my sister's presence and it was not any kind of conscious decision on my part to experience that horrible attack. People say, don't give her power, stand up to her etc. but the power she has is not something I even know how to stop because it's not a conscious decision to have that reaction. I am not afraid of my sister, I am afraid of the attacks and triggers and flashbacks she triggers that take me completely by surprise. This has been the one thing about PTSD that I really don't like and the hardest thing to explain to other people UNLESS it is someone who knows what it's like first hand.

Just a DAMN simple phone call and my sister yells at me for NOTHING, what, because I don't want to listen to her once again talk down to me and tell me to make it quick? I am not the only one she talks down to either. She REALLY turns people off. One can say to me, good for you, you stood up to her, you were strong, but honestly IT'S EXHAUSTING. Just to have a few moments to wish my daddy "happy birthday, I love you".