It sounds like whatever you're going through is something that thinking is never going to make better. Even if you had the answers to all of your questions arrayed in front of you with the colors of beautiful gems - diamond, ruby, sapphire, it wouldn't help you because you don't sound well enough to put the answers together with the questions, even if the questions were all that helpful to begin with.

My doctor once told me that I was a fairly bright guy, but that the problems that I was having weren't something that I could think my way out of. He was right.

You sound like you need medical assistance as soon as possible, if not tonight. I would try to ignore questions, thoughts, and emotions as much as I could and focus on finding the best, most professional medical person, people, or institutions that you can trust to improve your health and well being. I know that this is not always easy and I'm sorry that this is painful and frightening for you.