***Triggers below****

I want to ask for help so bad. Around 9 or 10 I was suicidal and when I told my dad he strangled me with a jump rope and said "let me help you" a few decades ago I attempted and then called poison control to get advise on how to purge it and they laughed at me......a few years later I called my insurance, told them I was suicidal and they laughed and said the soonest they could see me was a month........I told my doctor I was impulsive and having these thoughts and he threatened to send me into the same toxic environment they put me in last time which wasn't helpful. I want help but I must find it myself. I need someone to talk to, someone who understands and can really help me figure all this out. I just don't believe it's available......it's all on me to help myself but I don't know where to turn. I'm so lost.