i just don't know what to do about this

its who i am
its what i am...
im a freak... a monster...

i try to be human
i try to relax... i try to let go
i try so hard.. but it doesnt matter!

my head is filled with lies... i am a contradiction
i am a lie... how do i exist?

i really am nothing, void...

i have no self image besides being a broken piece of **** now...
because all of the images inside are false...

but i have like no control... i shut my mouth and close my eyes...
trying to be something im not i guess... but its coming from inside and i dont know who or what i am...

so its a constant war of internalized versions of who i have been or am fighting over the mind...

i cant take it anymore... to be pulled in so many directions constantly...
to have my mind doing so much...
to seemingly have contradicting personality types existing that i cant figure out what is real or really me...

a gentleman? an asshole? thug? drunken drug addict? arguing inside?
leaving me disabled, this is all a lie...

i can't be around people... im so tired of trying...
just thought i could push through it by being strong and conquer it like most people do with most things... but this just isnt one of those things...

want so bad to be able to hang out and enjoy company...
but its not possible...

i just dont know what to do... i just wanted to be happy and have friends

what is my problem... can't even make my mind up that i hate myself because of this internal warfare...

just tired... tired of it all..