I seriously cannot deal. I need support.

Last night, I went to a guy who treated me like **** last summer. I was looking for sex this time. I was lonely. But initially I liked him over the summer, though he was pretty much a buffoon then, too. He was rude to me. Though we made out and it was really hot. He is seeing someone, he told me. Which I was actually, while it stung to hear, I was also grateful. I was having serious doubts about even hooking up with him. He really hurt me last summer. He rejected me. And I went back to him. Looking for more.

Men have been interested in me before, like, nice men. I have a friend who is really interested in me now. He's a genuinely nice person. But I am not feeling the physical attraction. Even though, conversationally, he is great. I feel a large connection with him and am fond of him. I just can't imagine having sex with him, and don't want to. I don't think I should have to push myself, either, to be attracted physically to someone who I am not.

I don't know if I'm out of whack, or if it's just not my time to meet someone who clicks. I have met people who clicked before. Where it has been mutual. Sometimes, I think, it's a little of both. I don't think I need to pressure or force myself to be attracted to ANYONE that I'm not. But maybe I need to work on my self esteem, confidence, and my life, in terms of...just living it without the focus of men. Maybe I will write poetry, and take a writing class, and paint, and make art. I can focus on other things, like getting a job, and going back to school.

I personally think...I just don't know that many people. I don't know. I'm not the most social 34 year old woman. But I like the idea of saying goodbye to dating for a year. It is hard. When horny, or lonely. I really feel the pull and desire to be with someone. I'm back on those stupid free dating sites like OkCupid and POF. They are so disappointing. It's where I met buffoon guy.

I know I'm going to be ok. I would really like support here though. Thanks.