I feel like my mind cant handle it any more

I always try to stop and ask questions like that...
But i am freezing up, i am unable to react at all, shutting down
Thankfully i dont think i have blacked out...
But no one has really told me... or really indicated anything...
Besides that i get the vibes that people know i am ****ed up...
And dont want me around because they think its something wrong...
Which makes it worse for me... because i just tried to be likeable and friendly when i just feel like death and suicidal...

But im so sick of it... its like it doesn't even matter anymore...
Like i know im severely depressed... but i step outside of myself ignoring everything...
The world becomes me, i become the world... i have no self...
So i dont feel... i am fine i think to myself.. but i think to myself i am not ok...
I dont know how i can live like this... to live a lie
To live in shadows, never being revealed.. never seeing myself or showing myself...

How can so much be hidden from the world
How can so much be hidden from me...

I dont know what to do...

I feel like maybe if o get a handle on things financially it might improve...
Being able to be self sufficient.. independent... not caught or trapped...
Maybe would allow me to feel more control...
Like i have power to make choices or something...
Because i feel so weak right now...
I cant make choices... i dont understand things...
So much confusion...

I need to make it stop, but i dont even know whats happening..
Just feel like i am going insane...
Memory isnt working... mind is always somewhere else...
Its a waste of life... just to be so miserable...