hey Astral
i'm really sorry that you're in such a bad place right now. I am also a trans guy and have been in that position. unfortunately i didn't really find a way out of it by myself; i was lucky enough to have a psychiatrist who eventually decided that i was not going to become less depressed without starting medical transition. i did have to have a period of time without self harming or acting out in other ways, but i think your best bet would be to evaluate how urgent your transition is to you right now. ie: you do need to have a certain level of stability, but for some people, i don't think stability is sustainable unless they are able to start transitioning pretty soon.

getting in touch with other trans people in your area might help because they might know of resources that could help. also, i know many people hate hospitals, but for me to stop self-harming i had to go inpatient, and at least that way i got a bit of stability and was able to start hormones.

i'm sorry if this all sounds like empty words though. i'm going through a rough time right now and i haven't had any surgeries yet - money etc - and sometimes have the same dilemma of feeling like being ok in my skin is impossible, so i might as well destroy myself. i do know people who have got there though, so don't lose hope.