Here's a conversation I had with one person about it:
[4:10 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: My opinion is that family doesn't always have to be blood and that family can include your close friends. What do you think?
[4:16 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: I think it's just semantics, you can call it that if you want and you won't be wrong per se. I think as much as someone can feel like a part of your family, like say my best friend and I are practically brothers, it doesn't actually make us family, even if I refer to him as my brother. He's still just a friend, even if our relationship is different than with any other friend and also if I do have another friend just as close to me.
[4:17 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: you can marry someone, which does officially make them family
[4:17 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: also I suppose you don't even have to marry someone
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: so you have a point
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: I don't want to marry my mom or dad and we are not related by blood, but I consider them family.
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: ohh yeah, adoption
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: that's also a thing and relevant
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: yes, you're right then
[4:18 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: I also don't necessarily want to marry my boyfriend, but after five years of dating I will consider him family.
[4:19 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: And I don't want to marry my best friends but after being friends for 10 years or more I will consider them family.
[4:19 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Does that make me crazy?
[4:20 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: considering them actual family is a bit strange, but not necessarily crazy. It all depends on how people feel about it and whatever
[4:22 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: most likely not crazy, though it just could be crazy in the right (or well, wrong) circumstances
[4:21 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Why is it strange?
[4:22 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: and I suppose you can't really relate that much maybe?
[4:22 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: but family is family and not family is... not my family?
[4:24 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: it's just the way I was raised and think.
[4:24 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Where do you draw the line?
[4:24 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: And what if your blood family is abusive and exploiting you - are they still family?
[4:25 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: yes
[4:25 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: they are
[4:25 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: But they are abusing you.
[4:25 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: How is that family?
[4:26 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: If someone's parents abuse him or her then that's not good, but they're the ones who are always there and provide support most of the time. If they can work on the issues and improve and become real friends despite the hardship, or overcome their issues, that's good. If it's really bad then there are steps that can be taken for the good of the child(ren).
[4:30 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: How do they provide support if they are abusive??
[4:30 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: Someone can be both abusive and really love their children
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: That's really not okay.
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: Who are you to judge? Maybe the children understand that their parent(s) have issues and are struggling with it as well
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: I judge because someone with issues should not have kids, because normal people **** up when raising kids - people with issues MASSIVELY **** up when raising kids and end up producing MORE people with more serious issues. No amount of wrongs can make a right.
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Children in problematic homes grow up to be problematic. Why? Because ****ed up people psychologically scar other people and those scars turn the other people into ****ed up people too.
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Wait. We are getting off track.
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: We were discussing "what is family"?
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: So, what is family?
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: family is family, there's a common quote that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family
[4:31 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: That general quote is wrong though. You can pick who you make your family with. I wasn't born into a family.
[4:32 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: I got picked and not rejected by my adoptive parents. And I picked them back. We picked each other. I don't consider the rest of their extended family my family. I hate those other people (my mom's sister and my dad's surviving relatives), and mom and dad don't consider them family either.
[4:32 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: Even if you weren't born into the family, you were raised by your parents, weren't you?
[4:34 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: My adopted parents yes. But if I didn't want tobe with them or if they didn't want me we could have taken legal action to separate.
[4:42 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: anyway...
Sure, if that's how you feel about it then sure, nobody can force you to feel that they're your family. I just do because of the way our extended family is connected, so to me family is family and I inherently feel like I care about them and trust them more than some random people
[4:43 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: technicalities and semantics
[4:43 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Saying family is family doesn't actually explain to me what family is.
[4:44 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: I specifically don't give a **** about or trust my extended "family" because they are a bunch of ignorant, compulsive liars and fakes - who would sacrifice you at a moments notice if it means they come out on top. That is NOT family to me.
[4:46 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: if you want definitions you could just look it up. One of them being:
A group of two (arguably two parents aren't required) parents and their children living together as a unit.",
what we call a "gesin", or:
"All the descendants of a common ancestor" (with arguably people who marry into the family's family also being considered family, or you could say family-in-law), which is what we call "familie"
[4:47 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: and if those people are so ******, then you have ****** family and I don't blame you for not wanting to consider them as such
[4:47 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: my family's all good to each other
[4:48 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: so... mmyeah
[4:53 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: to me family is exactly that
[4:53 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Okay
[4:56 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Where do you draw the line though?
[4:57 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: What do you mean?
[5:11 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Where do you draw the line between what is family, and what is not?
[5:38 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: shrug
When it's no longer true by the definition it's not family? But it's kinda open to interpretation so basically I draw the line at the people I know? Like there are some other people with the Munnik surname that are probably some distant relative and if we could trace the heritage then I'd say "hey, we're technically family, that's cool" but they're still just kinda strangers.
This is a non-issue for me, people who I know as family are my family, simple as that.
[5:39 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: What about when you said earlier that you don't even have to be married to be family?
[5:39 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: That would fall outside of your definition.
[5:40 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: Yeah, well, you can include them if you want?
[5:40 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: That's always on a case by case basis of course
[5:40 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: But you wouldn't? And you would consider it strange to do so - even if you've been dating for years?
[5:41 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: no
[5:41 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Or, it's normal if you have been dating for years but it's strange if you have been friends for years?
[5:41 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: you asked about considering people you've been friends with for years to be your family
[5:41 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Okay
I get it you draw the line at friends. Friends cannot be family to you.
[5:42 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Yes?
[5:42 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: sure, you can say that. Just remember that I think about it technically, so it doesn't mean that a friend can't be held in the same regard as a family member, I just don't consider them to be one because, well, they aren't.
[5:43 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Okay - so what if your blood family dies off and you have no life-partner. Do you then not have any family even if you have many close friends?
[5:46 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: I see what you're saying, I suppose you could say "this is my family now" if you find a person or group you feel you belong with. But at the same time, yes, you technically don't have any family left.
[5:47 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: It's a gray area and looking at it from different perspectives gives you two different answers where neither are completely wrong?
[5:49 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: I think the feeling should be mutual though
[5:49 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: For it to not be strange
[5:49 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: Probably?
[5:50 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Hmmm, thank you.
[5:50 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: You consider it strange to build a family that way though, right?
[5:52 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: If you already have a family, yeah probably, if you don't, or hate your actual family... shrug
[5:53 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Do you think people are leaving me because I consider them family and it is weird for them?
[5:55 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: If you told them as much bluntly then they might find it weird.
[5:55 PM, 11/20/2017] Person A: I can't say though
[5:55 PM, 11/20/2017] Me: Thank you for having this discussion with me.
* What do you think?