Hey all,
so I notice something is wrong and I want to fix this. No, this isn't some "Amityville" type of story. But, it does make me feel very bad about myself. I think as a child I had a strong fear of death. My parents were over protective and I would constantly fear anything that would harm me or the ones I loved, because I feared this I would then constantly think about it..I wasn't depressed, but it did make me feel sad when I did think things like so. For instance, I would constantly think about my parents dying and how I wouldn't be able to cope with that happening.

As an adult, I am getting other types of thoughts every now and then. It's hard to explain but I would think and say things I would never ever want to happen at all. Like, If I thought about my parents I would randomly say "I hope they die" but that is exactly what I DON'T want to happen! I don't know where that thought is coming from, I will never wish or hope anything like that upon a loved one. And at first, I ignored it because it's not something I EVER said out loud so it's all in my head, I thought to myself well maybe it's because that's exactly what I fear so much so my mind thinks about the opposite in a form of anxiety? I don't know. I didn't worry about it because of course I would never act upon that and I accepted that sometimes our minds say crazy things but that isn't who we are or what believe.

But then, I said it once about my daughter and I felt terrible. No, I don't have thoughts of hurting my children or anything.. It's not something I wish, to happen I am afraid so afraid of it happening. And even worse, I don't want to attract anything negative! I promise I am a kind hearted person, I don't even have any bad habit or behaviors.

It's not something that is driving me crazy, it's literally a random negative thought or saying in my head that sometimes I cannot control. So, I would then say (as stupid as it sounds).. "I hope ____ dies.. dyes their hair" because God knows I don't even mean that. Maybe, it's just fear and anxiety but how can I forgive myself for even thinking something like that.

My question is, how stop these negative thoughts/sayings. The same thing would happen to me with driving at first, and sometimes even now.. I was afraid of driving and it sort of turned into a phobia and I feared it so I would constantly think of all the bad things that can happen. But i never said "I hope I die" I would just think of me crashing etc, which is understandable if it's a phobia. I just don't know where the "I hope__ dies" comes from, anxiety?