I think you know what is best for you. You've already said it above.

I apologize in advance if any of what I write seems invalidating. It is not meant to be and I only speak from the heart and hope it helps you.

The negative self talk is something we all struggle with. It is the negative inner critic that puts us down and tell us we are worthless, hopeless, incapable of changing, weak, stupid, etc.

The good news is YOU ARE AWARE OF IT!

I am currently struggling with this, so I don't have much to offer in terms of healing, however, I do know how you feel.

When you have been abused emotionally, bullied, invalidated (among many things) you will develop an inner critic that will carry the message that your abusers and bullies projected onto you. It is very important to remain aware of this inner critic and to try and challenge it.

The truth is, you CAN move forward, you CAN get better, you CAN heal. Sometimes we just spend so much time in the yucky unhealthy lifestyle that abuse and trauma creates for us, that we forget that we CAN be healthy and we ARE NOT imprisoned to a life of suffering and further self-abandonment.

I truly believe you know what is right for you. You already said it. Now it is about making it happen. Don't set obstacles for yourself when it comes to your recovery and future; you DO NOT need to be fully stable before you can move out and become financial independent of your family. This would be the inner critic and the fear driving that idea. Truth is, I was forced out on the streets by my parents after spending YEARS in a similar situation to what you describe. At the time it was heartbreaking and utterly destroyed me, however, it taught me that even when I am doing so poorly, I can still survive. So can you! If you HAD to be financially independent due to extreme circumstances, you would; because you'd have no other choice. If you want a kick in the pants to move towards financial independence, realize right now that you have the aided benefit of living in a home where food and shelter and some sense of safety is already provided. Not to scare you, but that may not always be there. It is important to take advantage of the time you have so that you can nurture yourself and your life. Gently pushing yourself more and more is the key. You know what you gotta do.

Time to harness your fear and make a change. Start with baby steps! I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and suffering and crying and sleeping and wanting to die and all the lovely crap that comes with BPD and depression. It is hell but it gets easier the more we do it!

Also, you are a very good writer! It doesn't matter what you write, just write. You'll find out what you want to write the more you do it.

Also, start challenging the inner critic. Instead of seeing yourself as incapable of being healthy and financially independent, start imagining how that would look. Start thinking about who you would want to be if you could be anything and how that would play out. Then, once you have an idea of who and what you want to be, start doing things to work towards it. You can do it. Change is extremely hard and with change comes loss.

Change is hard but you can do it.

You can do this.

HD7970ghz