I am not really sure why I feel this way. I know that I am different from most people. Some have even called me odd or weird. But I admit there is a part of me that really enjoys that.

I think it might be because my whole life I have felt so constrained by social norms and pressures. I've felt rejected and like the outsider my whole life, and always felt like I had to put myself aside and wear masks with others and just be what everyone wanted me to be to find any modicum of acceptance (and I admit too, on some level, avoiding conflict with others - which I strongly dislike - by hiding undesirable traits of myself from others).

It started from my earliest years of life with my mother and own family. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough for them. I lived with unrealistic expectations, and constant criticisms - from them, that only persisted with my peers later in life as I got older. With even being teased and outright bullied.

On one hand, I do desire acceptance, but on the other, I feel so much freedom in just accepting who I am and being able to just be myself - even at the expense of having relationships with others.

I guess how I really feel, is that I prefer by and large to be by myself. I feel like only at home and alone can I relax and just be me.

I have always felt indifferent to social norms - even secretly mocking them and looking down on them - feeling free from those constraints and unable to care about them like others do. Like people's love for sports, or the buying frenzies of the holiday seasons where everyone feels like they have to buy that perfect gift for every single person in their life - cause everyone else does it and so they feel compelled to follow the herd and crowd and what all those advertisements that bombard everyone tells them to do.

Yes, I do feel free from that, and in a way I suppose, better than that.

I like that I don't have the same desires as most. And yet, somewhere inside me, is still that yearning and cry for people to just accept me. Just accept me for me and not what YOU want me to be. Barring that, I'd much rather just be alone.

At times in my life I really resented others and hated society for the way I was treated. And I guess at some point early in my childhood I finally just said screw it with everyone and turned inward and that switch got turned off.

But, I still cannot ignore the fact that I do feel lonely still some times and depressed. But I just have such a hard time with relating to others, and to be honest, caring about them. People are social and emotional beings, and naturally expect an empathetic response when they open up to you and share themselves with you.

Yet that is something that never moves me emotionally. I have been that way my entire life, unable to feel empathy for others, and so I always pretend with people. Because truth is, I don't want them to think of me in a negative way, especially when I mean nothing bad or malevolent by it - I just am unable to feel that way for people. Feelings for people are always shallow and fleeting at best.

So as I have always done, I just wear masks with people. Pretend and feign empathy and emotion and interest, cause I feel like that's as deep and as far as I can get with anyone.

I've spent a lot of time thinking lately about relationships and romantic relationships especially. Where I really am at in all of that, what I really want.

So why am I writing this? I don't know why really. On one hand, I want to share myself with others. I do want acceptance on some level. But as with any expectations on me, I'm so tired of wearing masks with people and I'm tired of pretending. To the point that if removing my mask would illicit my rejection, I'd much rather just stay alone.

I like expressing myself, and on some level I want to be heard. But beyond that, I'm not really sure what it is I really want with posting this.

I admit though, for whatever reason when people start accepting me, I sabotage it. I guess I just can't stand getting close to anyone. I want it, yet I prefer more to keep everyone at arm's length.