ECHOES, that's a very thought provoking question! I've been noticing too how so many of us are having disconnected sessions.

My T, as he told me, rarely takes long vacation. He took 2 weeks straight at holiday time this year, so there were 3 weeks between my sessions. He says he can't remember the last time he did this. I felt him kind of distant in my first session back and a couple of times when I shyly/awkwardly ventured to connect, I felt pushed away or held at arm's length. I wonder if it is hard for him to start back to being a full time therapist after 2 straight weeks off? He has had a lot of time for himself, relaxed, spent time with friends and family, did projects of his choosing, etc. He's just been Joe Blow, human being, not Joe Blow, the therapist, having to be supportive, empathetic, caring, and nice for 10 clients a day. I think it would be hard to go back to that if I were a T. So I am hoping that as my T gets used to being back from his vacation, he will build up his stamina and be fully in T mode again.

I keep a detailed journal and I did go back to it for last year's break and look at what I wrote for my before and after break sessions. Last year he only took 1 week off, so we had two weeks between our sessions. Both my before and after break sessions were fantastic sessions. It actually made me cry to read them, because they were so much better than my sessions have been in the last couple of months. It made me really miss that kind of therapy. The sessions were so rich! We covered so much ground. There was so much connectedness. Reading these sessions from a year ago makes me realize what a different place T and I are in today. Makes me sad that things seem to have changed between us.

With that past context in mind, I think maybe that in our first session back last week, I may have been pushing a little too hard to be connected and draw us closer. Maybe I was slightly desperate -- ("I want to be connected and close like we have been in the past. Gimme. Gimme.") And T reacted to that by drawing back. I think I need to chill more. Maybe I am chasing him away.