It's been a while since I've shared on here and I don't exactly know where to share this. I'm feeling emotions all over so I figured this was the best place.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for...answers, validation, or just a place to rant. I have no idea. I just feel I have to share what's going on in my life and in my head or I'll self destruct.

First, last week I got into an argument with someone at work. I acted in a way I wish I hadn't, but the person in return didn't handle it any better. I wanted to go to the extreme and quit my job. I knew this wasn't the way to go and I've been there too long to just quit. I went to work today and decided to just stay at my desk and not converse with anyone. I figured I'd avoid everyone and not get into any trouble at the same time. Then tonight I checked my Facebook friends list on a whim and suddenly that same person I argued with on Friday was gone from my list. For a reason I can't explain, this bothered me more than our argument. Maybe because we'd had this same issue over the summer and resolved it (except I was mad at her and unfriended her). It made me angry immediately like I had been betrayed. I'm not sure I understand why I feel this way. It's just social media. But I do feel like I trusted the wrong person.

So work was less than tolerable last week and I'm unsure what to do about that. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions by different people. I try to just do my work and be done with it, but I am having trouble with what I don't know. Meaning, what are people not addressing or not telling me. I really hate surprises and people spring things on me all the time at work.

The holidays are also a sad time of year for me. I have a difficult time every year. I don't have family anymore and therefore holidays are spent alone. I have a friend who invites me over and I do go, but to not have my relatives to be around is hard. I was closest to my grandmother, but she passed away a few years ago. I visit her grave when I feel like I need to talk to her. I am feeling that I need to do so soon. I'm really lonely and don't have very many close friends. Just the one really. When I see the first Christmas commercial of the year, I tense up. I'm trying to figure out how to cope, but each year it's a lot of tears and not a lot of smiles.

I guess I just feel really let down by everything. And I don't really know what to do about it.

Yes, I do take medication and I go to counseling. Because of the holidays, I don't get to go back to counseling until next week.

I'm having a bad night and didn't know where to turn, so I came here. Thanks for "listening."

-Julie