I guess I'll preface this first with stating that I get that this is probably just a minor substance issue, but I really don't know where else to post this, so forgive me.

When I went back on ADHD meds a few years ago, I found myself gradually taking more than I was prescribed in an effort to further increase my ability to focus. Initially it was for that purpose, but eventually I started doing it just to get high. I had a psychiatrist who was more than happy to give me scripts for whatever stim I wanted at whatever dose I deemed necessary. At my worst point, I had accumulated a small stockpile of meds due to rapid prescription changes and I had evenings where I'd be doing 80-100mg lines of ritalin, up to 210mg of Vyvanse, or ~100mg of Adderall. I know I've likely done permanent damage to my heart as a result of this.

That was a few years ago and I still crave those highs. I told my therapist about this and she said it was outright substance abuse yet I'm still on Adderall after that.

Now I can't even get out of bed unless I take my Adderall. I don't even feel anything from it anymore. I don't receive any benefits to my ability to focus. It's the only thing that keeps me from being in a groggy fog the whole day.

I'm sure that what I experienced pales in comparison to what others have gone through here, and I know it doesn't compare, but it's starting to feel like a problem in my life. I want to be able to get by without it, but I can't. I can't imagine living without some kind of stimulant in my system. If I don't at least double my dose, I feel like a zombie much of the day.

I'm really not sure where to go from here.