First she asked me how I defined love. I told her it's caring, but also willing to make sacrifices for the person. She said she only uses the word love with her husband and daughter. She doesn't want to "take her clients home" with her, so she keeps love out of the relationship. She said she does care about me and is willing to make some sacrifices for me (within reason). She said we should talk about what those level of sacrifices are. She told me to try to look beyond the word love.

I'm feeling so embarrassed and ashamed now. I don't know how I can face her again. I'm not mad at her. I'm glad she answered the question and was honest. But I always love the wrong people. Everyone I've loved has either abused me, left me, or didn't love me. And this was bad timing because I'm dealing with ex-T and problems with my mom right now. But then again, when is it a good time to tell someone you don't love them.

I keep trying to tell myself that at least she cares about me. And that she didn't love me last week and everything was okay, so everything should be okay now.

But I don't feel okay. I'm really hurting. I knew there was a high chance that she didn't love me, but I still hoped. I'm so stupid.

Last night, I reacted badly. I actually wrote T that I didn't want to see her again.

Now I just wait to hear back from her. She's probably mad at me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to punish her. She's done nothing wrong. But I'm too ashamed to see her. I just feel like an idiot.