Nothing ever changes. My life revolves in circles, orbiting a black sun. And no matter how much I try, how many plans I make for myself, I can never escape that orbit.

I wanted to get stuff done today. I wanted to get up early and seize the day. But then I couldn't fall asleep and woke up at noon. Now I haven't got anything done. Again. I just spend the whole day watching stuff I've already seen or doing things I've already done a million times, trying to bury my anxieties under permanent sensory overload. I'm so extremely afraid of anything new because I know I will fail in the end anyway.

I don't feel stuck or trapped, I feel emotionally locked-in. I just can't escape, can't change, can't see things any other way. How much is mental illness, how much is just ineptitude? Am I just too lazy, too restricted in my own thinking after all? Sometimes I just feel like it's really my fault. But I really don't know how to get out, how to wake up again from emotional coma.