Thanks for the replies everyone. It was just some thoughts I wanted to get out.

There has always been a particular disparity in me, between wanting to be accepted so much that I just mirror and become what others want me to be (and having a real people pleaser syndrome) to just harboring secret attitudes (opposite of those feelings) and a real longing for independence and autonomy.

I hope what I say makes sense. But there was such a disparity and conflict inside me between those two ideals, that it really led me to be so inauthentic with others. All the while harboring secret attitudes and even resentment toward people and their social ideals, that really inwardly I did not share.

But I just towed the line with people. Was a people pleaser, and as a result, could never be assertive or stand up for myself.

The 15 years I spent in hermitude were fine. I used the internet to fill the need, and maintain very limited and distant relationships with people. Though safer yes, I realize in hindsight the need wasn't really all that great to begin with.

And I suppose that was really the whole point of this thread, that I feel like in many ways I have come full circle with myself.

I realize that those 15 years that I spent alone, I felt safe and removed from those lifelong social and rejection issues. I felt okay with ME.

My whole life people at various times have tried to fix my introversion. Telling me I need friends or need to stop being a wallflower. But it goes beyond just avoiding uncomfortable feelings and rejection issues (which I admit is my biggest issue of all), it's that I desire isolation and feel okay with it. Not just a sense of relief from having avoiding those feelings outright.

If that all makes sense. But thank you for the thoughtful replies.