This is hard for me to talk about. I never thought it would happen. So strange. I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm caught up in a whirlwind of a hellstorm that revolves around relationships, so I'm posting it here.

You see, Mom left Dad to go move into an apartment. She has a lot of anger and hate toward my Dad now. Very bitter about their relationship. Dad, I think, has moved on. There's a lady friend in his life now. He's become to resentful of Mom's bitterness to want anything to do with her anymore. It's so strange to see Dad being happy with someone who isn't Mom.

Worst of all is that I feel like I'm being forced in the middle of their marital mayhem. Dad always has something passive aggressive about Mom to say, or outright complains about her behavior. He often says these things to me and I feel caught up in the turmoil. I just want to stay impartial and keep my nose out of it all. If they don't want to talk to one another, that's their issue, not mine. Mom just plain avoids Dad, rather than work through what her issues are with him and now he avoids her. She has even become bitter about the concept of marriage altogether. I love them both, but being in the middle of all this is exhausting me emotionally.

I'm honestly old enough to handle this more so in a mature manner rather than break down and demand that they try and salvage their marriage. I don't want to be a daughter who only thinks of her own selfish needs and wants over that of her parents' happiness. If they are happy apart, so be it. It's not my place to tell them what to do. Yet, a small part of me just thinks "Why can't they get their act together, get some marriage counseling and work through their issues? Why act the way they are?" Maybe this is because I just want peace in my life again. If only...if only...

To make this more complicated, this'll be the first year my parent's won't be together for the holidays since my kid brother was rushed to the hospital a few days before Christmas back in the 90's when he had Leukemia. That lasted till Noon on Christmas Day and he was released and the family could thankfully spend the rest of the day together. Since then it's always been at least my Mom, Dad, and I together at Christmas and Thanksgiving. This is a time for togetherness and family, and all I have is fragments of what once was. Going to be one Christmas and Thanksgiving I'll never forget. Not that I want to remember it at any rate.

The Hungarian guy and I are getting to know each other better and better, and honestly, if it weren't for him, I'd have gone off the deep end a while back. He keeps me sane. I've stopped looking on online dating sites and have closed my profiles. I've decided that even if I wasn't talking to that Hungarian guy, I just can't emotionally handle adding dating to my proverbial plate. It's probably a good thing he's so far away. It's like having someone special, and then it's like being single too. Only, I don't go around looking for anyone else. I just talk to him. Loyalty? Maybe too soon to call it that, but eh, it is what it is.

And that's been my life these past couple of months, sad to say. My life is no longer what it once was, and as often as I complained about it before, I can't help but miss it dearly. I guess you don't know what you have til it's gone...