I just don't know what to do anymore? My mom is 82 and i am an

only child. She is so bitter and i know she suffers from

depression and still lives in the past like the 1970's. She

doesn't want to do anything annymore with her friends. She just

started calling me a Mental Case which really hurt me. I do every

thing for her.

Back in 2003 i had a break up with my significant other after 10

years. I moved back here which was probably the worst thing i

could have done! In May of 2007 i tried commiting suicide but it

failed. I was rehabbed and came back home.

She seemed to be nice to me for awhile and even started bringing

me to her church which was kinda nice, although i've never been

that religious. But i enjoyed meeting people and helping out when

i could. I have a very bad social avoidant personality and con-

sider myself basically a looner, unless i'm taking lots of

medication like Valium or xanax that helps get me out.

The winter months are starting to play on my nerves again and

i've been thinking suicidal thoughts again. My Therapist says i

need to get out of here or start getting out more. She says i'm

a good person and deserve better. I would feel guilty leaving my

mother (why i dont know she's abusive and very bitter). She had

affair with her sisters husband for 20 years since i was age 2

and sexual abuse also entered into my life because of it and

forms of weird abuse too. It just wasnt right! I feel trapped

here and just being in the same home i grew up as a child feels

weird and triggery.

Last week i felt so down i started cutting my legs which i never

have done before. It did help take the focus off of my depression

and suicidal thoughts though.

The house is in my name of course if something happens to her.

But i'm starting to really think is it really worth it. I'm not

allowed to got out after 9:00pm and she saw that i was a little

happier when i was going to church, but know she says the church

is brainwashing me. Sometimes i get horrible thoughts about her!

I dont have brothers or sisters and the rest of my aunts are so

so old they really cant do much to help. In the summer i was

got out and walked so it got me out of the house.

Sometimes i have to drink just to relax asnd forget too, i'm

really in need of any suggestions anyone has to offer? Don't know

how much longer i can put up with this. I did think of going on

vacation for a month? She's also nasty to her friends that no

longer care to bother with her....I'm running out of options here

any suggestions, comments, ideas? Anything!! I need a better life

than this....I know she is ill(she has had 3 cancer operations)

but its starting to make me sick

again too.....Ziggy1