My former therapist once said, “I have high regards for you,” i.e. I care about you, I respect you, I’m fond of you, etc. I didn’t know what my feelings were for her at the time. I just felt a need to cling to her like a suckling infant or clingy child holding on for dear life. I was not in an adult awareness when she said this, so I challenged her as to what it meant. I asked her if she was talking about the ‘L’ word. She said no, "I reserve love for friends and family only. I do not love my clients and I cannot love them." The little girl stood up to her and said well you'll never hear me say those words to you. Those words grew me up quickly at that moment and challenged her on the absurdity of her statement. How is that done? How do you stop it over time? (This is a strictly platonic love we were speaking on.) It sounds like some of the “therapy speak” people discuss on forums that therapists learn in school and workshops. She agreed to think about it and get back to me.

She spoke to friends and therapists whose council she trusted and respected. When she posed the question to most, they all felt that she was a therapist that felt love for her clients, some more than others. More importantly, she learned that it was okay to tell a client, “I love you,” if and when it came up or if she felt there was therapeutic value in her voicing it first (only if she truly felt love for that client). That day, she told me she loved me. I realized my feelings for her had a label too; I loved her.

Over time, my love for her grew into an adult love like I have for friends. My ex-therapist and I have been friends now for four years and the first year was a transition for us. She was aware that I (maybe her too) needed time to transition our professional relationship to a more comfortable relationship. She was patient with me and the now our relationship looks like all my other close relationships. The difference is that she has been exposed to my core (all my secrets). Yet, has never used the knowledge gained in intensive therapy with her to claim power over me when I was a client and especially now as a good friend. I share secrets with some friends, but no other friend has all of them.

Like clients, (some) therapist also change and adapt to external or internal forces of their environment. I think there are certain clients that provide that spark or challenge. I understand and accept that some therapist will never say the words I love you, and only show it. That's okay, but, I don't believe that it is a mistake to for a therapist to change direction if that is what the heart and therapeutic environment have produced. It can provide a boost to healing, yet for some cause confusion. Unfortunately, not lessons in life are linear.

It is hard sometimes to hear that a therapist is to stay static while verbally coaching the client through pretzel-like maneuvers that many times makes no sense whatsoever or makes it is hard to progress through life’s challenges. I was at the eyeglass shop the other day and watched them bend and twist my new eye frame so I could get a better view of the world. It reminded me of the therapy frame so often spoken about and I felt grateful for having had an ex-therapist and standby therapist that had/has a flexible therapeutic frame. This is not for everyone. I do not want or need it from my standby therapist. I do have high regard for her and care about her. I understand it now, but for me, it is the same as what my ex-therapist first said to me: it is not the same as love for me. That is okay.

This morning I emailed l my former therapist and include the response below. These last few years has me trying to meet deadlines for the New Year. Therapy has not cured me of my procrastination, so that little girl in me comes out wanting to make contact, so, I reach out to her. A primitive desire to be acknowledged and to be reassured. I don’t 'need' the reassurance, but it sure helps me get moving to meet deadlines. Most importantly, I have learned it is okay and that she someone will respond in a loving and caring way.

1st email

Me: “Hi FM,

It’s that time of year. I doing adult stuff, but the little kid needs to tell you, “I wuv you.” I seem to write this same email towards the end of each year. Why? Who knows. Maybe, after the New Year you can take a stab at why it always comes up at the end of the year (at least for the last 5 year.), then maybe it will go away.

Wuv you,
AesB”

2nd email

Me: “..I doing adult stuff… can we say let’s hear it for a Freudian slip? Lol.”

Therapist Response:

“I love you too. So, you can tell the little kid that we both love her
and she's okay - you will keep her safe. You are the adult, and you
now can be the adult.

Love,
FM”

*These exchanges never have an effect on the future interactions between us.