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lizardlady · Nov 22, 2017 at 08:39 PM

Ladies, what I'm going to post probably belongs in the abuse forum, but I don't know people there. Y'all are my support group. I'm coming apart and the seams and hope posting about it will help.

Am going to put the majority of the post in a trigger box because of the content. Please, please PLEASE be careful. Am going to talk about s** abuse.

Possible trigger:

All the stories in the news about sexual abuse have really, really bothered me. I was angry with all the women coming forward. I was feeling pressure that they came forward and I never acknowledged what happened to me. No one said I had to disclose. I just felt this pressure. I know it's not logical. I was angry that people were supporting them and no one ever stood up for me. Yeah, again, not logical. No one knows what happened to me. How could they support me?

This morning I was woken up by a nightmare. Was shaking and pouring sweat as I woke up. In the dream my pdoc reported abuse that happened to me as a very young child. It lead to children services investigating. In the dream my father was still alive. What woke me was him screaming at me and threatening me. I kept saying, "but I don't even remember what they say happened."

I was on edge and upset when I woke up. Then I saw a news report in which our president doubted the allegations against Moore because the women waited so long. I've been coming apart at the seams ever since. Bad old coping "skills" are rearing their heads.

Memories of the abuse keep flooding my head. My Little One (alter) has been freaking. Haven't heard from her in ages. I suspect she was created by the first abuse. She's about the age I was when it happened. I don't know who it was. I see a hand/arm reaching out to touch me. That's all I've ever remembered.

Then there was the time when I was 13. We'd just moved - again - I was so desperate to fit in. I let an adult touch me and stick his tongue in my mouth.
Yeah, I said "let". Fifty years later I'm still taking the blame. When I got the courage to tell my mother my father turned into something about him y threatening to go kill the guy. The molestation got reported to the police,
but my family wanted to "just make it go away" so nothing came of it.

I allowed the guy who used to deliver feed to the farm assault me because I believed I had to let him so he would keep delivering feed.

My husband forced me to have s e x with him. It was years later when I realized it was r a p e.

I don't know what to do with all this. Part of me wants to mentally shove it in a box and put it on a shelf. The larger part of me thinks I need to "do"
something with it. I just don't know what to do with it. I haven't been in therapy for years. I have pdoc appointment in a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll talk to him. The agency I work for has mental health services through the EAP, maybe I'll call them.

What I want to do the most is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there.