You have nothing to apologize for. You nor anybody else here did anything wrong.
"Idle banter" (that's my name for what you are speaking of) doesn't help me when I am like this. I seriously need to be able to talk - but I need to be able to talk and feel I am finding solutions. I already know the "go to" answer for abuse. If it were that simple it would be fine, but it's not, so it isn't ... and the more I try to explain the more it gets everybody (including me) upset. It isn't anyone's fault. Nobody has given bad advice or been unsupportive - its just ts like there is a "bubble" put around a person after he or she says or alludes to "abuse" - n tunnel vision sets in. I am guilty of doing the same thing at times. Its natural to want to get someone out of an abusive situation. What people forget though is that abuse is different for different people.
When I was in an abuse shelter, there was a girl there who came bc her husband would drug her n
- but she didn't leave at first bc everyone told her it wasn't really happening so she thought maybe it was just in her head n started seeing a therapist .. as time went on it got worse n she ended up there, there was another there who had 3 children - she had stayed bc her belief system says she is a bad person if she leaves her marriage for any reason other than infidelity .. she only left when the children became endangered. These are just 2 examples. But I also have friends who, like me, have been being abused since their childhood - and later find themselves in abusive relationships. One such friend took her abuser to court, but bc she is a USA citizen n he is a Canada citizen, the courts decided to only give him 2 months of community service. That was for severe physical abuse for which she had documented proof n witnesses. If you go to a shelter - bringing them up on charges is part of what is expected of you. Many times, abusers get off either altogether or with a very light sentence ...especially if they are a "first offender" or their lawyer can find any "questionable" areas in your life to "examine" in court. If you get a restraining order - you have to appear to get that done btw (I did it so I know) the only "protection" it provides is that you can call the cops n have them arrested. How long will it take the cops to get there? Will he still be there once they come? (That's important bc if he isn't, many times it is "well it's your word against his - have a nice day ma'am") so even those are not worth much. In court you have zero protection - plus his lawyer is tearing you apart n trying to make it appear either you wanted it or you deserved it or you hallucinated it or just made it all up. Meanwhile...lets not forget - you had to leave with little to nothing more than the clothes on your back, the important legal documentation you may have (ss card, birth certificate, bills in your name, legal action papers, etc), medication, n often times no money bc usually the abuser had obtained complete control of the $...so now you are trying to figure out how to start a new life from scratch, being ripped apart in court, lost most or all your friends n family is probably alienated too, the society around you that knows him n you is spreading rumors so you are often looked down upon anyway - and now the courts magnify more reasons to make you look bad.
So - forgive me - but yes (not trying to be mean or rude or angry - just straightforward), I would rather understand that he is trying and try to find a place he can be comfortable getting help at. Especially since the last shelter I went to - sent me right back to him anyway.
I am not blaming anyone for anything. It's just a mixed up n messed up situation I am in that I don't see how anyone can understand. If I was not in it myself, I would not fully get it. I would just keep saying "ok, you had one bad experience - but doesn't mean it will be that way this time. Isn't it worth trying?" I know the good intentions n the reasons behind it. I just don't know that anyone (anywhere) will ever truly be able to put themselves in my place and see what I am looking for is answers. I do not need advice on how to escape or why I should... I know those things. What I don't know is how I can truly help myself.
See .. I will never trust another shelter. I have been hurt by both the Salvation Army n now an abuse shelter. I barely trust the MH system bc they told him its understandable he abuses me - so he did it all the more (b4 I left him), but I am willing to try to get him into therapy again n get myself in IF we find a place with good MH help and affordable cost. I do see improvement in him so I do believe he is trying. I have 2 Chihuahuas I refuse to abandon a second time. I have nowhere to go n no finances to be able to live on my own bc of state laws regarding separation m divorce.
So ... I need answers. But I will not get them.
And it's nobody's fault. I love everybody here.
*hugs*
❤