Sometimes the older part of me tried to pick fights with R- focusing on stupid details, just to see if I could push him. It would never be psychical, and I'd never shout at him, but I've told him that I hated him and that even his face irritated me when he watched me cry. It never worked, he never once lost his cool with me and I know that he won't. Now almost a year later in therapy I can tell him that I feel like I want to push his buttons or distance myself from him without acting up.