I haven’t talked about my mom much. Of course I’m thinking about her because of the holiday.
You know, you can’t talk much about suicide IRL. It’s taboo.
I don’t really need anyone to read this. I just wanted to write it out.
Even though it was very difficult to take care of her, and I’ll admit that she made me and my family pretty miserable, I loved my mom. I was an only child, and my mom and dad split when I was 3, and my father was absent and his side of the family didn’t accept me. My mother’s family was overseas. She was all I knew, all I ever had growing up.
I get upset sometimes when I see commercials about suicide prevention.
Possible trigger:
I tried to save her. She nearly died five years prior to her death. She swallowed a three-month supply of her meds. Her neighbor found her, thank God, but she wasn’t breathing. She had no brain waves for three days. They tried to get me to pull the plug. She wasn’t breathing and her heart kept stopping. They said she would be a vegetable, basically, if she did survive. But I wouldn’t do it.
She came out of it. She had a little brain damage, but really it wasn’t noticeable.
I got her to a psychiatrist, and I supported her for years, not knowing she qualified for public support. Her doctor told me to apply. I got her on disability, got her into public housing in a really nice neighborhood near my house. I found her a church and a senior center to go to.
But it didn’t matter. The meds did not work for her. The pdoc said she was bipolar and schizophrenic. I’m not really sure I agree with schizophrenic, but man, she was paranoid and had amnesia (she couldn’t remember when she had rage attacks). She was textbook BPD. She was depressed, anxious, paranoid, extremely angry, and completely unable to tolerate life. She was addicted to Ativan.
She was constantly threatening suicide, but one night it seemed probable. I had to call the police to take her to the hospital, and I tried to commit her. She got an attorney and got out.
Within weeks, she committed suicide. This time, she took all her meds and took additional measures I won’t mention.
I tried.
One of my biggest fears is that my own condition will worsen, and I end up like her. My doc doesn’t think so, and I don’t have her symptoms.