Struggling so much at the moment. Feel so low and anxious all the time. Constant migraines. I just can't do this any more.
GP wants me to take a leap of faith and wait to see if the lithium works. For over a year now I have been trying different drugs and waiting to see if they work. They haven't - although they have given me lots of side effects including weight gain and a stomach ulcer
Pdoc wants me to try sleeping tablets in the hope that I will get more than 3 hours sleep a night and feel better.
She also wants to sign me off work.

If I get signed off sick everyone will know, and I am scared I will lose my job, and that not having work to focus on will make me feel worse.

pdoc also wants me to let her team help me find an activity to do outside work to help me meet people. How can I? Just the thought of waling into a group of strangers makes me so anxious, and for what? To find another group of people where I will feel like an outsider and do an activity I will be rubbish at
Her other suggestion was to meet up with a group of other people who also suffer from depression/anxiety but I feel like such a fraud. I have no trauma or abuse that triggered this, I am just useless and pathetic.

It would be so much better if I just didn't exist any more, I wouldn't be a burden or a nuisance to anyone