I opened the door to R this morning, and the first words out of my mouth were ‘Boy am I glad to see you!’ She came in and sat down. ‘I’m sensing that you’re not OK.’
‘Last Friday nearly killed me. I went to my pottery class, and a conversation ensued that included every single one of my triggers.’ I was shaking by that point.
‘Can you explain to me what triggered you?’
‘My pottery tutor was talking to another student, telling her that she’d been to the doctor’s…and you know me, the conversation stops there.’
‘She continued, saying that she had had blood tests, and they’d called her back in to have more due to high potassium. She said that she’d Googled high potassium, and ‘amongst other things that would point to end-stage renal failure, which I don’t have.’ I bristled at this, because ‘end-stage renal failure’ was information that pertained to both Chris and Kim…but it was the first piece of information I should not have known with regard to Chris, passed to me by Jonathan.’
‘She then asked the other student ‘How’s your friend?’…and it’s time for the piece of paper.’
R read what I’d written, and I don’t know what point she’d got to when I heard her say ‘Oh, Lost…’
‘After the surgery discussion, I started to feel like I had to get out of there. So I left, and as soon as I did, I started feeling funny physically…if you’re feeling funny physically, it’s better to be with other people…but not so good if you can’t explain what’s going on.’
‘And you couldn’t explain what was going on?’
‘No, I had a conversation with a support worker yesterday who gave me the term ‘anxiety attack’…I didn’t know.’
‘You didn’t know ‘anxiety attack’?’
‘No, I have spent the last week trying to piece together what happened.’
‘Putting it together…not at the time, because I couldn’t piece anything together then, it was weird watching that pattern of information that I didn’t want to receive playing out again.’ ‘Every time something happened, I was waiting for the next thing, always waiting…’
‘Sounds like you were always waiting for something negative…’
Other highlights included a discussion of how I manage during the day, vs. at night. 'I actively listen to music.'
'When you say actively listen...do you mean playing?'
'No, playing is still a strange experience at the moment. I'm playing, but I don't know who's playing. I focus on one part...'
'And I get the sense it's not the same if you use headphones...'
'It isn't...'
'So you don't really get any respite from it at all.'
‘We’ve talked about this before, but back on the 3rd of April 2007, when I was informed that Chris was going to die, it was a calmer experience…something almost sacred.’
‘There was that sense of ‘It’ll be over by the morning’, which was comforting…but with this I didn’t get that. I was given everything after the fact, with no regard for how I would receive it…and I don’t mean via email.’
‘There was no regard for how it would affect you.’
‘And I never got a chance to prepare…so I never got a chance to have that ‘Phew! It’s over now. You’re safe.’’

‘I think most people realise that others can be affected by medical stuff… “You’re looking a bit green,” but I find it hard to explain what’s going on…and when my friend started the conversation:



I just responded ‘Just stop there.’’
We discussed possible ways of broaching the subject with my tutor tomorrow, and R assured me that she thinks it will come out, and come across well.
She said that as horrendous as that experience was, she thinks it has given me a push towards being more authentic with myself and others…she also said that she had a physical response to what I was telling her. She understands.

Next session is on the 7th of December.