So I did sort of tell her this. I couldn't muster the courage to say it straight up so I said something similar/related--I think like, "when I'm at home and I can't get out of bed and I can't even move because I am too miserable it feels like the only thing that could ever make me feel any better would be for you to come talk to me, to touch me--maybe put a hand on my shoulder. But I know that's outside of the frame of this therapy--this idea that this is the only thing that could possibly make me feel better can't be right. How can I accept what you're able to offer?" (I know, I know... I chickened out. I was trying, honest I was.)

Anyway. Her response was something like, "I bet that would feel really good in the moment--the transgressive nature of the act would make you feel special. And I think in part you want some physical gesture from me because you don't feel held and comforted by my words or my presence--maybe it seems to you like physical touch, at least, would allow you to feel something. But the reason I wouldn't do that with you is because it wouldn't help in the long run. I think it would hurt. One day you will be able to feel comforted by my words."

I'm not totally sure why she used the word "transgressive"--not sure if that referred to touch or a home visit. And I don't really understand why it wouldn't help in the long run. Like, what would be wrong with using the temporary "crutch" of physical touch until I'm able to feel comforted by her voice/words/presence/whatever?

I guess I'll have to ask her next week. In the meantime, if anyone has any theories on the above, I'm all ears...