thank you everyone, sorry it has taken me so long to reply - i have been going through a period of not being able to communicate and the fear of starting sentences.
The urges have reduced now, so i don't think there is much fear of me doing the above in the near future now. I know that this is a bad area to be fixated on and i know this is something i need to talk to someone about because unfortunately knowing myself rather well it will happen at some point or another.
The worst part is that i don't feel as though i am punishing myself, i have nothing to be hurt about. I am very blessed. But i do now lack any will power to believe my SI is a bad thing. I'm not sure if i can say this....but i care so little right now about fighting any urges, i'm not fighting to get better. I have no strength left to do that. Of course i am worried, i do not want it to happen but i also do not have the energy to change paths if i do.
DId anyone read the post up in general about people coming on here and not trying to get better? I feel i am one of those people. But is not due to laziness nor because i enjoy sympathy/attention, it is simply because i have no strength to fight anymore. I'm worn out.