T, I am so glad you suggested recording the session. You have no idea how much that helped me last week. The session was so awful and broken and I was so dissociative I barely remembered any of it and certainly felt no connection with you. I left rageful at myself, unable to understand how I could return. After listening to the recording I understand so much more about what was gong on, but that's not the part I wanted to tell you.
What I want to say is in the recording I can hear you seeing me, seeing all of the me parts that were there. You saw them and acknowledged them and held the awareness of all of them, for themselves, for eachother, for me. I didn't know that whenever I am busy dissociating away from everything you are staying there doing that.
If I didn't have that recording I doubt I would have wanted to come back. It was all so cut up and broken and unseeable. It was all too shattered. I had so much rage at my brokenness and inability to be coherent to you.
But then there you were, on the recording, holding all of it together, seeing all of it together, accepting all of it together, and knowing understanding accepting that I'm not there yet, that I can't do that yet. But there you are, there you were, doing it for me.
Thank you, T. For the first time I have a feeling like "you got this." Thank you.