Hello all, I’m new to this forum but I’d like to share a bit.

Background: I’m bipolar type 2 with psychotic features (I know it sounds like it wouldn’t make sense but that’s what I was given).

I have been pretty stable for a couple years now. I usually catch episodes early and treat them appropriately. I have narrowed down specific red flags and times of year that I typically have problems. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist as needed. I had a really bad episode a couple years back and I am still a little traumatized. I have never had psychotic symptoms before this episode. I nearly lost touch with everything but somehow I stayed out of a hospital. I was seeing things and having major delusions. I thought I could see the dead and I also thought that they were coming for me in my dreams. I would have violent nightmares nearly every night. I was scared to walk down the street, scared of my house, scared to sleep because even in my dreams I saw things that weren’t real. This lasted for a month and a half before treatment intervened and put an end to it. I still have anxiety when I see or experience any of my psychotic red flags. Does anyone else have almost PTSD at the thought of psychosis coming? I realize for most people psychosis is generally found in mania and mania feels good so maybe this will be hard for anyone to relate to. If anyone does know what I’m feeling, what do you do? The fear grips me and I almost can’t breathe. I cry and I cry when I realize how crazy I thought or acted. It’s an afterthought, a reality check and a panic. I recently had an event happen that really scared me in reflection afterward. I walked into my bathroom and my necklaces hung on the wall started swaying. This was likely because of the heater on the ceiling but at the time I felt like it was a sign. I have a specific necklace that has my departed grandpa’s ashes blown into the glass. This necklace appeared to sway the most. I asked aloud, “What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.” As if the necklace would tell me (I get that it’s ridiculous). I got worried that something was wrong with my grandma and I even went as far as to text her that I loved her. Then later it hit me how terribly far crazy that all was. I cried and cried and shook with fear. It has been three years since my last major psychosis. I had spoken with my psychiatrist literally two weeks previously preparing him that spring is usually a very bad time of year for me (he’s a fairly new psychiatrist). He told me if ever the need I can increase my antipsychotic. So I’ve done that, not to the full dose but half a pill up. I haven’t had any other super crazy symptoms yet but something still doesn’t seem right. I meet with my counselor next week (luckily I had already set this up in advance because they book up quickly). It’s so early this year I’m caught off guard. I expected to be vigilant in spring not late fall. I’m so anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that this year has been incredibly stressful. My mom started having major health issues, I work and go to school, and I commute. My brother is in a mental hospital right now and this is like the third one in a random state in the past few months. My body is being hit pretty hard, I’ve been stable but my hair started to thin from stress. I am just trying to focus on prevention and trying to compartmentalize all of my life chaos. I just really can’t afford to lose touch with reality. I’ve made a lot of progress with my stability, in my personal life and my personal growth even my career. I just don’t want it to get thrown in the garbage and have to pick up all the pieces again. I’m not sure I could take it. I think I just need some reassurance, or if you understand my fear and anxiety how do you cope?

End rant.