I was doing better with getting my impulses under control, but I screwed things up completely last night. I admit I was feeling kind of hypomanicky over the past week, but not to the point where it was doing me any harm. Yesterday, everything changed. I went out with my friend and was drinking. I had cut down in the past year on how much I drink and went from hardly drinking at all. Mania of any kind triggers this. Well, I met someone brand new and went back to his place and had unprotected sex.

This was a bad pattern of mine when I was younger, and I thought that I had gotten better, but I really put myself at risk yesterday. Now, there's nothing I can do about it. On top of that, since he is someone I literally just met, I'm not sure if he will be the type to text me all the time or become a stalker type. My main concern though is the fact I did not do anything to protect myself and I was completely out of control with the drinking and my behavior. I plan to make a doctor's appointment to see if they can give me an anti-viral medication, out of fear of HIV, because I freak myself out about that after-the-fact.

Now, I am having thoughts of self-hatred, and I am beating myself up pretty bad. I know plenty of people are hard on themselves, but I take it to an extreme, and I cannot stop!!! I don't know how to break this vicious cycle. It does not help that I am living with my brother and he made a comment that indicated that he is worried about his reputation and it was kind of a slap in the face that he had to say that out loud. All those bad thoughts are coming back, and it is so hard not feeling I have any control over the situation. Please help.....I am really in need of support.
Thanks for listening.