There has been a lot going on with me the past few weeks to months. I've been emotionally not doing well at all. Since all the stuff that happened with my husband I figured I would just try not to think or feel anything so I've just been stuffing my feelings deep down and it has helped calm things in my house, we were finally able to get back into a rhythm I guess. Well the day before yesterday I slightly let a little bit of feeling slip out because I tried to cuddle with my husband but of course nothing happens how id like that didn't happen. He never initiates anything and when I try its like he doesn't want to. Of course he like for me to play with his hair or rub his back which I do in hopes that maybe he'll be more open to doing the same with me or holding me. Anyways yesterday I just wanted to be close to him, I figured maybe if i ask if we can be physically intimate that he'd show some affection towards me. He said its up to me whatever I wanted to do, no excitement about it. So there was no foreplay or after play. He just wanted to get right to it. Lasted maybe 5 min. He didn't seem to care that I had needs. There was no affection no passion no feelings. I just felt worse after than I did before. But I guess that's what I get for letting my feelings back in. He's always telling me that he loves me but there is no emotion to it. There are no emotions in is actions towards me. I mean it's been this way for awhile and just keep feeling like there is something wrong with me for feeling like it should be different. Talking to him about it does no good. I have previous other posts related to this issue. I guess for now I'm just going to go back to putting my thoughts and feeling away. It does no good. Just makes me feel depressed. (TMI) I don't think I'll be engaging in anymore sex either, it's too emotionally painful, not to mention he doesn't initiate that anyways so it will be easy to avoid. I guess again I just needed somewhere to talk about this. I think this will be my last post for awhile even though there are so many other things in my head but I don't want to completely open the flood gates up because I may not be able to re-close it again. So here's to not thinking or feeling. Everyone is better off this way. Thanks for listening (reading)