Extra session with T today because my uncle died last night and I was upset about a fight with H (he apparently works a few Sundays a month during the school year since he works a lot with teens). Went back and sat down. I thanked him for seeing me. He said he was sorry about my uncle and confirmed that he wasn't someone I was that close to. I explained the relationship, saying that my uncle wasn't someone I was that close to, that he was an alcoholic, and I was more upset for my aunt and cousin.

He said that I'd mentioned in my text that I'd had a fight with H just before I learned about my uncle. I said yes, partly about money, how I'd been crying about that when my mom called with the news. Said how credit card statements had come, how H had said they seemed high. Which made me feel bad, especially because I've been trying to cut back on spending. T asked if I felt H was being critical of me. I said yes, but that H said he was just commenting on the amount, not being critical. I said how it often felt that way with money stuff.

I said how H said he was getting "go away" vibes from me and he asked if I wanted him to go upstairs. At first I said no, but then changed my mind. H seemed upset with me. T asked if I could see where H would be upset about that. I said yes, but that he also did ask me. So he went upstairs to his office, and I was downstairs, looking over the credit card bills, breaking down the spending (like $200 on groceries, etc.) and crying.

I said H had just gotten an Amazon Echo Dot for his birthday and was upstairs having fun playing with that while I was downstairs crying. T asked if I'd seen the Saturday Night Live commercial for the Amazon Echo, and I said no. He said it's one of the funniest commercials they'd done, and I had to watch it. That I could probably use a laugh today. I said yes.

Went back to talking about H. I said it was hard for me because I was downstairs feeling bad about what had happened, and he was upstairs laughing and playing around. T asked if it was often that way. He said people can react that way for a couple reasons. It could be that they just realize whatever happened was no big deal and they just let it go. Or it could be that they're so used to the pattern, like of me getting upset, and just sort of scab over, like they don't want to deal with it anymore.

I said I thought the latter was more the case with H. T said that probably isn't a good thing. I said I wondered if it was partly also that his mom has a lot of anxiety, too, plus depression, so he's gotten used to blocking that out, then does that with me, too. T was like, "Ah, that would be Imago. Are you familiar with that?" I said how ex-T had mentioned it before. He said it was where you chose a partner who had similar traits to someone you're trying to work something out with, like trying a do-over. I said, "Hm...so maybe I also chose someone who's more emotionally reserved, like my dad?" He said, "Exactly."

Shifted to levels of disagreement, like fighting vs. annoying someone. T said people annoy each other all the time and it's no big deal. How he had just interrupted me, and I might be annoyed about that but it wouldn't last. I said actually I might hold a grudge...for about 5 minutes. He laughed and said he could handle that.

Talked some more about stuff with H. I said how money stuff is particularly difficult for me because he's said before that he's the one who pays the bills (he makes more than me) and has also mentioned that he takes care of D more. Which makes me feel inferior. T asked if I'd told him that I felt that way, and I said yes, but that part of me also worried it was true.

He said there are multiple ways to look at what people contribute to a relationship--that he was only going to share two because that's all he could remember at one time. The first is by the actual output, like if there's 8 dishes to wash and one person did 6, the other 2, then the first person contributed more. But that's not a very fair way to look at it because it doesn't take effort into account. I said I thought that's how H saw it.

He said the other way is to consider effort. That his wife has ADHD, and it would take her much more effort to clean the house than him. Like if there was a pile of papers to go through, for T, it would be nothing, not stressful, he could have it done in a matter of minutes. But for his wife, she'd be stressed about it, looking carefully at each item, saying, "Here's a Kohl's coupon--should I keep this? Am I going to Kohl's next week?" While T would think, "Well, another coupon will just come next week, or we can always get one online," so he'd just throw it in the trash. He said it would take his wife longer to get through the pile, but he'd realize that she'd put in much more effort. So he would consider that, not just the end result. (It threw me that he shared that, because he hasn't done much self-disclosure before.)

I said that made sense, how some things can be more difficult for me to accomplish because of anxiety, depression, etc. That those can drain a lot of energy (as ex-T has mentioned), so I can't get as much done, but I am putting in lots of effort. Also that I'm kind of like his wife going through papers (I didn't mention that H is the one with ADHD, not me! Though I do suspect I have it on some level...) But I think H just sees the end result without thinking of the effort. So it helps to think of it that way.

T made another comparison, how if he was running 5 miles against an Olympic runner, who would be putting in more effort? I said him. He agreed, saying it would be much easier for the Olympian. That they both went the same distance, but it took one much more effort and time than the other. I said that analogy might work with H--that I'd bring it into marriage counseling tomorrow. That maybe he'd understand more that I really am trying.

We were out of time. I thanked him again for the extra half session. He asked if I still wanted to see him Wed., and I said yes, if that was OK. He said it was, just wanted to check the time. I said, "You're going to be sick of me!" He replied, "It's my job." Which...was that supposed to make me feel better???

I went over and paid him. He held out his hand--his hand is always very warm--and I shook it, and he said "Good luck out there." I said, "You too?" Then headed out.