So...felt stable for a week, dropped zyprexa down to five mgs from ten, immediately started getting depressed. It has gone steadily downhill over the last five days, today I am one step up from the absolute bottom. I have managed to do all the laundry today (but not fold or put away) but that’s the extent of it. Stayed on couch/slept most of the day. Planned to go shopping and make dinner but couldn’t manage to do it so me and my son went out.

Only passive self harm/sui thoughts so that’s how I know I’m not rock bottom. No energy to do anything.

I’m my desperation to find a trigger or some way to stop this ****ing roller coaster I think it MAY have been brought on by Thanksgiving. I really missed my husband this year because I really ****ing need his help and I need someone to love me and hold me and I’ve got no one and he’s such a ****ing asshole for taking drugs.

I won’t see pdoc again until next Tuesday. I will see my program therapist this week but she’s useless. She wants to blame it all on my menstrual cycle. She wants to put me in DBT. I just want to quit and go back to my regular t, she gets me.

My head feels full of cement again :-/