First of all, take some deep breaths. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I do "bad" or "undesirable" behavior does make me a bad person. You should not be made to feel like that, and I wish you had more support.

Every bipolar person has a "vice" as I like to say, a type or types of behavior that usually comes out when manic. I don't drink, but I am hypersexual. I had my absolute worst manic/mixed episode after I was hospitalized last year and given Wellbutrin - after I told doctors NOT to give me an antidepressant because they make me manic, and they assured me this one would not. Whatever. I don't even remember exactly how many guys I slept with, I know it was unprotected at least half the time, and I had an early miscarriage that I don't even want to admit to myself. Fortunately I did not contract an STD, after 2 rounds of testing, thank goodness. I HATED myself, cried about it, but didn't know how to stop. I was ready to get a divorce because I couldn't live with myself, I didn't need to be married. But somehow, my husband forgave me for the cheating, I still don't know why. It's been over a year and I still don't think I've forgiven myself.

The hardest part for me was not knowing if I would get manic enough to go down that road again. You probably thought the behavior was "over" but I had to accept for me, it will never be "over". This is my impulsive vice, that everyone looks down upon more than any drug and alcohol abuse, and I am trying to come to terms with that. Which means I have to do EVERYTHING I can to try to prevent it from happening again. It's hard enough being bipolar and coming to terms with taking meds for the rest of my life, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that I will always be at risk for this impulsive behavior, likely for the rest of my life. It sucks, so much, but I have to be mindful of this.

You sound manic. You gave into your impulses, which happens when we are manic. As a friend told me, it is not an "excuse" for our impulsive behavior, but it is an "explanation" for the behavior. Fortunately it doesn't sound like anything happened that will cause long lasting consequences, which is good.

Moving forward, in addition to trying to forgive myself, I have had to make a conscious effort to prevent my impulsive behavior as much as possible. From erasing men's phone numbers and texts, deleting my online dating profile, resisting any man who made future contact with me. For you, it may be avoiding ANY situation where you can drink ANY alcohol. I don't know if that is completely possible, but it can be a goal. And the MOST important prevention I can do is to do my best to control my illness so I never get that manic again. It is my greatest fear, yet I know the mania is SO hard to prevent. It may not work, our illness can be so chaotic, and I know the mania will never completely go away. But because I know how bad my impulsive behavior can be, I try to stay mindful of it. I know it does not always work, but all we can do is forgive ourselves and try.